Advice on how to poo at work.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.We've all kicked

back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As

much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is

inevitable.

For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide

for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is

not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where

it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell

has left your pants.


FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing.Walk in and check

for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.


FREQUENT FLYER.

People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going

into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing

a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter

in the urinal,pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes

both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.

This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this

should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left

the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.

This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the

bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have

just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to

pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the

COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will

often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper

or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for

the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.


THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing

goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can

least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite

sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the

bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries

to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and

vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs,

remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you

will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH

A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that

you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to

alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction

with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars

that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the

stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom

immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.


WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming

on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELETTE

A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the

Toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with

an Astaire.


UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the

pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as

you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.This benefits

you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

 

Advice taken!

Brilliant.