anybody know any pub jokes

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board ARCHIVE' started by uncle mort, Jun 3, 2008.

  1. unc

    uncle mort New Member

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    :D
     
    uncle mort, Jun 3, 2008
    #1
  2. Spa

    Spartacus Well-Known Member

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    Piece of string walks into a bar

    string...Pint please </p>

    Barman...Sorry we dont serve pieces of string </p>

    Next day piece of string opts for a cunning disguise... </p>

    string...Pint please </p>

    Barman..Are you a piece of string </p>

    String..No I'm a frayed knot :'(</p>
     
    Spartacus, Jun 3, 2008
    #2
  3. Andy Mac

    Andy Mac Well-Known Member

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    Corned beef sandwich walks into a pub.

    barman: sorry, we don't serve food.
     
    Andy Mac, Jun 3, 2008
    #3
  4. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    As you omitted the word "good" from your request

    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    "Actually, no" he replies.

    "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
     
    Farnham_Red, Jun 3, 2008
    #4
  5. Gue

    Guest Guest

    A skeleton goes into a bar....

    ... and asks the barman for a pint. And a mop.
     
    Guest, Jun 3, 2008
    #5
  6. Rev

    Revvie P Well-Known Member

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    Ok, here goes

    A dual carriageway is stood in a bar having his umpteenth pint and making with his mouth:
    "I'm the hardest road in this town me. Hard as nails. Two lanes either direction. Ain't no road in this town harder than me."

    All of a sudden the door flies open and Motorway walks in and says, "Rumour has it Dual Carriageway's been mouthing off again."
    "Just so you know, I'M the hardest road in this town. THREE lanes either way. Rock solid, I am."

    Dual Carriageway stood his ground and the two squared up, bit of argie-bargie starts when suddenly the door swings open and a thin strip of red tarmac walks in.
    At this, Dual Carriageway and Motorway dive under a table and hide. The strip of red tarmac walks up to the bar, orders a pint, sips it quietly and leaves.

    Motorway sticks his head out from under the table, quivering, "H-has he g-gone yet?"

    The landlord cracked out laughing, "What the hell was all that about?! You two can't be scared of him! He was a right skinny little runt!"

    "Yeah well, he might not look like much but you don't want to mess with him - he's a bleedin' psycle-path!"






    TAXI !!
     
    Revvie P, Jun 3, 2008
    #6
  7. stevie

    stevie New Member

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    This Must along the way have been telled in a pub?....So yes it must be a pub joke....

    .... (chinny) Anyway here goes....



    As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?"


    The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor."


    "Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked.


    "No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of them new Viagra pills."


    His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?"


    The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too."


    "Why?" asked her husband.


    His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot


    ....
    (babyhaha) ....
     
    stevie, Jun 4, 2008
    #7
  8. Fea

    Fearless Tyke Well-Known Member

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    Man walks into a bar with a piece of red tarmac with a white stripe. "Two pints for me and my tarmac mate, barman, please".
    Barman starts to pull the pints when the tarmac goes doolally and starts wrecking the place.
    "**** me!" says the barman. "I'm not serving your mate".
    "Why not?" says the man.
    "He's a cyclepath!!"

    (blaze)
     
    Fearless Tyke, Jun 4, 2008
    #8
  9. Fea

    Fearless Tyke Well-Known Member

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    Oh ****. I've just read Revvie P's post. At least mine was shorter!!!!!

    :'(
     
    Fearless Tyke, Jun 4, 2008
    #9
  10. Red

    Red Fern New Member

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    Man walks into a bar with a large cough sweet under his arm. &quot;Two pints for me and my cough sweet mate, barman, please&quot;.
    Barman starts to pull the pints when the cough sweet goes doolally and starts wrecking the place.
    &quot;**** me!&quot; says the barman. &quot;I'm not serving your mate&quot;.
    &quot;Why not?&quot; says the man.
    &quot;He's Menthol!!&quot;
    </p>

    :( </p>
     
    Red Fern, Jun 4, 2008
    #10
  11. Jay

    Jay Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a bar...

    and asks for some helicopter flavoured crisps.

    "Sorry," said the bar man "we've only got plain."
     
    Jay, Jun 4, 2008
    #11
  12. Jay

    Jay Well-Known Member

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    A man walks into a bar...

    holding an alligator. He asks the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
    "Yes we do," replied the bartender.
    "Good," said the man "I'll have a pint and get me a lawyer for my alligator."
     
    Jay, Jun 4, 2008
    #12
  13. The Mannster

    The Mannster New Member

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    A man walks into a bar...

    with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
     
    The Mannster, Jun 4, 2008
    #13
  14. Lee

    Lee Active Member

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    A man walks into a bar...

    Ouch!</p>

    (N) </p>
     
    Lee, Jun 4, 2008
    #14
  15. *Windy

    *Windy Banned Idiot

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    Penguin walks into a bar and says, "Have you seen me dad?"

    </p>

    Barman says, &quot;What's he look like?&quot;</p>
     
    *Windy, Jun 4, 2008
    #15

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