Dear Oakwell 90210AM buffoons:

I tried to fill in your 'contact form' to enter your fabulous competition, but got a rejection screen from BT Internet.

Anyway, my answer is below:

''To win this prize all you have to do is predict the attendance at Oakwell for our forthcoming match against Scnuthorpe United on the 10th December.''

My guess is that 11,902,518,663 people will be at the game.

And a cat.

Obviously I'm including bugs, spiders, lice, etc etc etc.

Many thanks.
I can't wait to fill your box.

TFP.

PS - Ali Bongo Coopster is plotting behind your backs as he wants to start up ''Oakwell Homo's AM'' ('AM', by the way, stands for 'Arse & Mouth').

 

just so there is no misunderstanding

I'd find it useful if you wrote that figure in words. Like on a cheque.

Don't feel obliged to write "only" at the end though.

Also a breakdown of bugs/spiders/lice/people would be great.

Good luck in the competition. I might enter after you with a few less lice. (no pun in 10 did or something)

 

Okay:

Eleven billion, nine hundred million and stuff.

Breakdown:

Worms - 53%
Spiders - 19%
Bugs - 17%
Lice - 10.9%
People - 0.09%
Cats - 0.005%
And Jay - 0.005%

Fingers crossed, eh.

 

RE: Okay:

I'm going to do the same except:

Lice 11%
Bugs 16.9%

May the best man win.

 

I see what you did there.

You could work for Rib Noodles you could.
You could be Watson to his Holmes.

(Gordon & Kelly, obviously).

 

RE: I see what you did there.

changing the subject a bit. How many posts did you do to get all them stars. I reckon Patrick Moore would be fascinated with your tally.

Can you pop your counter back on and check?

 

RE: I see what you did there.

I will soon have posted as many times as Jay was rejected by ugly women the last time we went out - 1,500.

Do you ever attend Association Football matches at Oakwell?
We could have beer.
And laugh at Gaz with his blue alcopops.

 

RE: I see what you did there.

I stopped going when Gaz appeared to be drinking alcopops and I tried to keep up by drinking pints and went blind.

 

RE: I see what you did there.

To be fair - going blind whilst out with Gaz is a bonus.
He handed everyone a pair of cardbaord glasses with red & blue lenses the last time we went out.
He then breathed in & claimed to be 'dead skinny and that'.

Did I mention he looks like John Malkovich after he's just stopped smoking?

 

RE: I see what you did there.

I've met him.

Most bizarre experience ever. Particularly explaining to friends and family what I was up to. I'll write you a small play...

Me (circa 2001 with a different haircut) "I'm really looking forward to this weekend. I'm driving to barnsley, but I'm stopping off on the way at someone's house who I've met on the internet, but not in person...and sleeping over then....no it's okay, he's a good laugh on paper"

Anyone that heard it: (bizarre look on their face) ".....oh okay...have a nice weekend"

Me: "....I'm not finished... then I'm going to drive onto Barnsley the next morning and meet another mate I've never met and stop at his house... go to the pub.. meet loads of people whose actual names I don't know. But I think one has brown hair, 2 are girls and ....erm...... no come back... it's all fairly normal. I met them on the BBS I spend all day posting on.....erm.. occassionally... in between work"

I lost a lot of 'real' friends that year.

Amazing weekend though.

 

Not bad.

A bit like this story:

''Love, can a bloke we've never met stop at our house? I met him on an internet site where we talk about dry loving. He can't be all bad - he's from Finland. I'm off to pick him up now, but I don't know what he looks like.''

The Finnish bumdog then drank all my wine (by drank I obviously mean 'spilled').

I've hated everyone I've met from this site.

And Jay.

 

RE: Not bad.

And they all hate you.

 

Yes.

I can't blame them.
I'm a lovely person.
I know I'm a lovely person.
You know I'm a lovely person.
Everyone knows I'm a lovely person.

The only decent people on this board are Cain Dingle, Heaney Meaney & Oscar.

The rest I can do without.

And Jay.