A Major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of this morning, Epicentre: Sheffield, England. News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 racing pigeons, as locals were found wandering around aimlessly muttering "fookinhell" and "choofinnorah". The earthquake decimated the town causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless mementoes from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt out cars were also disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived. Radio Hallam reported that many residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Sheffield. One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tracy Sharon Braithwaite said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bed room but the twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when i was watching Trisha the next morning". Locals were determined not to be bowed as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. So far whilst British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates of Sunny Delight in to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings of great value including benefit books, bone china from Poundstrecher and priceless jewellery from Elizabeth Duke in Argos. CAN YOU HELP? Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster. Clothing is needed most of all, especially Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers) Shell Suits (female) White Sports Socks Rockfort boots or any other product sold at Primark Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that requires peeling. Remember 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9 £5 will pay for a packet of B & H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves Urgently required: Tinned whippet food, bones for Jack Russells. Thankyou and please give generously. (shithappens)
