Don't you wish you had written this?

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board ARCHIVE' started by Xerxes, Jul 18, 2009.

  1. Xer

    Xerxes Well-Known Member

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    Subject: Passport Application

    Dear Minister,

    I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

    How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals, Baingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

    How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business eleven years ago, and yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with 'contractors' working for the government?

    How come the TV Detector Van can tell me if my TV is on, which channel I am watching and whether I have paid my license or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea i have won, or where I am, and will keep the bloody money for themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand?

    You have had my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax foms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last five passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms before being allowed off planes and boats over the past 30 years, and those insufferable census forms that come round every ten years; and the electoral registration forms that I have to complete, by law, every year.

    Would someone please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Henry, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day they die.

    I apologise, Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. Between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of weeks well-earned rest away from this crap.

    Well, I have to go now, because I have to go back to Salisbury to get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 QUID! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of new passports on the same day? But nooooo that's be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running around all over the place like headless chickens, wouldn't you? Then I have to find some ****** to confim that the photo is really me - you know...the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

    I served in the armed forces for some 25 years including 10 years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the PM while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War, and I have been doing voluteer work with the Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
    who before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN..

    Yours faithfully,
    An Irate British Citizen
     
  2. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    I really like these letters that find their way on to the internet. I have a very funny one to NTL and another to Virgin that appeared on the internet.
     

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