Sorry its long but stick with it! My mate hates his job as an accountant and is useless at it, hasn't qualified because he keeps failing his exams, but has somehow managed to get a job elsewhere as an Assistant Financial Director starting the first week in August. So far so good. However, he has also decided that he would now like to join the army instead in Military Intelligence (God help us). The 3 day recruitment process dates have just been announced and are in the first week of his new job. Now he obviously doesn't want to admit to his new employer that he is trying out for the army. He consequently emailed me to ask my view on a cunning plan he had to tell them he has a friend who lives in America who has just died and is flying out for the funeral. I pointed out funerals don't usually take that long and that an elaborate lie to your new employer in your first week isn't the brightest thing to do. I advised he tell his new boss that he had some pre-booked leave that he didn't mention at the interview as he was desperate to get the job and he didn't want it to affect his chances. He agreed this was a good idea. Unfortunately he panicked on the phone and decided in haste a much better plan was to tell his new boss that, and I quote, "my sister has just got into the GB parachuting team as someone dropped out to compete in a competition in the Czech Republic". Unfortunately he has failed to grasp the fact that this is sufficiently interesting for his new colleagues to ask very detailed questions about, and will be a lie about her ongoing international parachuting career that he will have to maintain throughout his new career. Absolute muppet.
That boy's good. He needs to do something where he doesn't come into contact with people. Or scissors or owt.
To be honest this is minor compared with other annecdotes My two favourites are as follows: 1. As a teenager he walked in to his garage to find his mum on her knees giving his step-dad a blowjob. His step-dad seeing him panicked and opened the fridge-freezer door to pretend they are looking for something. The door then smacks his mum in the head who is left on the floor with a cut head and his stepdad just stood there with his trousers round his ankles stood to attention. 2. When he was 11 his mum went to put his dinner money in his school trouser pockets. Unfortuanelty in experiencing puberty he had the usual issue of controlling his erections. Hi mum proceeded to grab his erection and ask him what he had in his pocket as he was struck dumb with horror. She suddenly realised and yanked her hand out of his pocket, both of them embarrased to the point of death.
my experience with 22 years in the army tell me he will be good in intellegence!! Weapons of mass destruction etc
More importantly though I met his at uni several years after these incidents - so why the hell would you tell me, or anyone, ever?? If either of those had happened to me I would have banished them to the darkest corner of my mind.
Student on work placement with me last year Nearly sacked him before I met him! Day 1 - Text message mid morning "Went to the venue, couldn't find the session, went home". Nice start. Day 2 - Text message 8am "Am I really needed today? I'll come if you want me to, but my girlfriend is going to Australia today. I'd like to say goodbye to her." Day 3 - Text message 8am "I've missed the bus, can I get a train?" - Text message 8.30am "I'm on the train, where shall I wait for you to pick me up?" Further into the placement Text message 10am "I can't get to work this morning. My girlfriend's SATNAV has broken and I don't know my way to the motorway in Leeds." (doh)
Are you sure it's a "mate"? You seem to know some very intimate details of this "mate's" life Nice stories though!
