I see the massive giants at Hillsborough aren't quite the 'draw' they think they are...

<span class="smallheading">KLUIVERT TURNS DOWN OWLS TRIAL</span>

Former Holland striker Patrick Kluivert has rejected the offer of a trial at English Championship side Sheffield Wednesday.</p>

Wednesday boss Brian Laws was keen to see the former Barcelona, AC Milan and Ajax star in action but Kluivert has ruled out a move to Hillsborough.</p>

The 31-year-old told Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf: &quot;I am flattered by the interest but a transfer to Sheffield Wednesday doesn't fit in my future plans.&quot;</p>

Kluivert spent last season with PSV Eindhoven but was not offered a new deal by the Dutch champions.</p>

His future remains unclear although he is thought to be keen on furthering his career in either the Middle East or the USA.</p>

He added: &quot;I just wait and see.</p>

&quot;My agent will put all offers next to each other, after which I will make a choice.&quot;</p>

 

from the Fiver yesterday...

MURDER ON THE DANCE-FLOOR

BOOM-SHICK-A-SHICK-BOOM (spew)! BOOM-SHICK-A-BOOM (fight)!
BOOM-SHICK-A-BOOM (grope)! Hey! The Fiver has decided to subsidise its meagre income and open up a funky new nite-spot in Sheffield.
Sticky carpets? Check! A large man in a lime green shirt battering the bejesus out of a large man in a lemon yellow shirt? Check! A drunk woman in a miniskirt screeching "Leave him, Wayne! He's not worth it"? Check! Copious amounts of Generic Sickly Alcopops on two-for-one? Check! Lairy underage girls hung out of the windows of passing limousines? Check! Graham Rix? No way! It's not that type of club.

Still, what we need is a big-name celebrity to pull the punters in, but the bloke who played Brian Tilsley on Coronation Street won't leave his job in Big London. Hang on, who's that lumbering through the door, with nine ladies on each arm? It's only slow football news day fodder Nightclub Patrick. Let's have a word for him and see if he won't do a personal appearance alongside Bob Carolgees and that dignity-free idiot from the Halifax adverts.

Gah! What's this? Sheffield Wednesday gaffer Brian Laws, his judgement skewed by too much gyrating to the sounds of Black Lace emanating from the steel wheels, has cut in front of the Fiver on the dance-floor. Patrick is nodding and smiling. Now Brian's strutting over here and is about to make a statement. "I have a strong contact in Holland who is Kluivert's agent. We've invited the boy down, and I want to run the rule over him. We all know what a quality player he is but I would like to see him in training and a game to see what his hunger and desire is about."

Cristal, the Big Beat and laydeez, by the looks of things, so don't take him home with you, Brian. Chatting up a Big Cup winner might be exciting, but remember this is a man who, over the last four seasons, has managed just 18 goals in 72 league games. And while he may only be 31 (the same age as his former Ajax team-mate Clarence Seedorf, who won Big Cup with Milan last season), Sheffield Wednesday should know better than to sign a disco-dancing has-been who's fallen so far that he's now desperate enough to listen to offers from them.