I've got a puppy

Well, my wife's got a puppy, but as she's at work more than 12 hours a day, I've got a puppy.

10 things I'd rather have than a puppy:

1 - Amoebic Dysentery
2 - Tom Kennedy at left back
3 - My legs chopped off
4 - Global Thermonuclear War
5 - A season ticket at Hillsborough
6 - 23 Jehovah's Witnesses living in my bathroom
7 - An evening out with Keith Hill and David Flitcroft
8 - Sting play his lute to me 24 hours a day, every day, for the rest of my life
9 - Bill Werbeniuk sit on my face
10 - Poisonous spiders filling my trousers, while I'm still in them

Anybody want it? I'll just say I lost it or it ran away or summat.

 

What sort?

 

Awwww....bless.

You ent got a bag of sweeties too have you ?




At this point my missus would repeat the first sentence and add what's it called, what type is it etc. We know all the dogs names up our road but no bl00dy humans.

 

I dunno, it's a dog.

 

It'll send you that mad, you'll love it eventually

 

You'll grow to love it. Boy or girl? Dogs become part of the family, they are so loyal and loving.

 

Fpmsl..... could've been worse - a kitten!!!!!

 

Thing is Mario, not everyone has the same affinity for dogs as you. I'll never have a dog, my kids ask me at least 5 times a day for a dog. Never.

 

Last year when me and the missus were refurbing our flat, we were living with the in-laws for 8 months. That was actually fine, but living with their cat was definitely not. Going for a piss in the night and finding the bog floor covered in *****, having my face trodden on at 6am every morning by a big ball of fur, finding hair in my cereal bowl and coffee cup. I'm not joking, I used to have vivid dreams of how to get rid of the fcker without anyone knowing it was me. And this was a cat that I actually quite liked before having to share my living space with it.

 

True, but I reckon now it's in the house he'll fall in love with it. I hope so anyway because it could quite easily go the other way and that wouldn't be pleasant.

 

I'll take him. also can he play upfront?

 

I bet you were sat nursing him as you typed that out

 

Yes, we'll take it.

 

Used to have a cat, we got on just fine.

Cats v Dogs

Time
Cats - I'd get up in the morning, the cat would rub itself against my legs, I'd stroke it for a bit, feed it and then we'd both go about our business for the rest of the day. He'd be catching mice, feighting male cats, shagging female cats and lounging about in the sun. I'd do pretty much the same. I didn't even have to let him in and out of the house, I just left a window open and he used that.
Dogs - I get up in the morning and the dog is pleased to see me. I stroke him, take him out to go to loo, feed him and play with him for a bit. I don't mind that, but after half an hour I've had enough. It's nowhere near enough for the dog. He wants me with him all the ******* time. So my paid work isn't getting done, the washing basket is overflowing, the house is dirty, the shopping is still in the supermarket and instead of home made pasta dishes, curries, pies and Sunday dinners, I'm eating sandwiches.

Play
Cats - Despite what many dog owners believe, cats do like to play, but they have the same boredom thresholds as humans. So after 10 or 15 minutes they've had enough, just like you.
Dogs - I throw the ball, he brings it back. 10 hours later I throw the ball for the millionth time and he brings it back, still as eager for me to throw the ball again as he was after the first time I threw it.

**** and piss
Cats - I'm sure my cat must have done this, but I never saw it.
Dogs - I got him toilet trained within two days. He still has the odd accident, but he's little with a small bladder and I can accept it's my fault for not letting him out sooner. But I've realised it makes **** all difference whether he shits inside or in the garden, I've still got to clean it up.

Noise
Cats - The cat meowed at me once if he was hungry, or if he wanted to be let out and the window was shut. Very, very occasionally I'd hear him having a go at another cat.
Dogs - The dog barks when he sees next doors dog, or any of the neighbours, or if a bird flies past, or if the wind blows, or if he hears a noise, or if the sun comes out, or if the sun goes in, or if I leave him alone, or...

Stuff
Cats - I bought a food bowl, a water bowl and them plastic lids to put over tins. That was it.
Dogs - I got the same for the dog. And a crate and blankets and a collar and a name tag and a lead and a long lead and stuff to chew and stuff to throw and a little bath thing and shampoo and a brush and it's costing me a fortune. It's not my house any more filled with my stuff, it's his house filled with his stuff.

Cleanliness
Cats - the cat never got mucky and cleaned itself.
Dogs - The dog doesn't clean itself. It rolls about in **** and I have to clean it.

Destruction
Cats - The cat once went to sharpen its claws on the sofa. I told him off and he never did it again.
Dogs - If I own summat that he hasn't chewed, I don't know what it is. We've only had him three weeks and we now need a new house because this one is ******. I quite like gardening. I'm no good at it, my garden isn't going to win any prizes, but there's been a lot of time and effort put in to it. It's now full of holes, half the grass has been pulled up and if he's not digging up my plants and eating them, he's biting the heads off my tulips.

Affection
Cats - The cat would sit on my knee of an evening as I watched telly. Quiet other than a soothing purr.
Dogs - He's already too big to do that and we don't want the dirty thing on the furniture anyway. The books reckon this is a good idea, keeping him below us so he knows his place. Anyway, he's not that in to being stroked. He quite likes it but not like a cat. He certainly doesn't like sitting quietly. He wants to show his affection by wrestling, biting me and licking me in the face. I don't.

He's had his jabs and on Saturday I'll be able to start taking him out for a walk. I like walking, I do it a lot, so this might tire him out a bit more and alleviate my cabin fever. But I don't like walking when it's pissing down with rain or blowing a gale and I know I'm going to have to do that 4 times a day, every day for the next 12 years or so. I'm already counting the days.

I can't, for the life of me, think of a single reason why anyone would want a dog or how he's improved my life in any way. I prefer our solar panels. Never been cruel to an animal in my life and I'm not going to start now, so he'll want for nowt, but I might ******* shoot myself. It looks infinitely more appealing at the moment.

 

Having had a few cats....proper laughing jay

 

I'm a dog person, mate, never could understand the appeal of cats. Actually, I prefer dogs to some people. They're definitely more intelligent than a good few, too!

 

Post of the year by Jay above. Brilliant.

I love having a dog though, there's never been a boring night in since we got him & he's always fun to play with when the Mrs is watching some **** on the telly.

I love walking him in the summer, not so much in the winter & he does have a tendency to get run over or get attacked by another dog or catch himself on a fence meaning a small fortune is spent on him in vets bills but I'm too attached to him to care.

It's always nice to have someone genuinely excited to see you when you get in from work as well rather than the Mrs moaning or worrying about something.

 

That's a really funny read while I am having my breakfast. I've never had a dog, apart from when I was so young it wasn't actually mine. It just lived in the same house as me.

Now that I am at home all day, and sometimes doing some work, I really ought to get one. Even though I have never owned one I have written a lot of articles for other people about the care of dogs, or using dog walking services. Proper expert on dogs, me

I love dogs and usually pat and play with other people's, if they will let me. But your account has just pointed out all the reasons not to have one. Bit sad now

 

And when he gets older he'll fart.

 

Lol Jay, entertaining post there. I've lived with both cats and dogs and you describe it to a tee. I still massively prefer dogs though.