How do you tell the illegitimate jelly babies from the others? Turn the packet upside down and watch the Barstewards fall out.
Another Joke Abi Titmus takes her dress to the dry cleaners, and she says 'Can i have this cleaned for tomorow please?' and the man behind the counter says, 'Come again?' She says 'No, Its gravy this time'
Dont want to blow my own trumpet pand but what about this Why do women like circumcised men Cos they can't resist 10 % off !!!!
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!" Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window." "Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you." The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those." "I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes." The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!" "I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes." Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP." "I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."
I asked the waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating me. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at me and decided to send a reply. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it back to me. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." </p> After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return it to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW M6, a Mercedes, CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back. P.S. I lied about the cars & money. Have a great weekend </p>
