**** Jokes Thread

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board ARCHIVE' started by Terry Nutkins, Feb 11, 2014.

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  1. Terry Nutkins

    Terry Nutkins Well-Known Member

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    A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

    "Morning!" he said.

    The other man replies, "No, just having a ****."
     
    Terry Nutkins, Feb 11, 2014
    #1
  2. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    I went to a pet shop the other day. I said to the assistant "I'd like to buy a goldfish please"

    "Would you like an aquarium? " she replied

    I said "I don't really care what star sign it is"
     
    Jack Tatty, Feb 11, 2014
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  3. Terry Nutkins

    Terry Nutkins Well-Known Member

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    That really is ****...
     
    Terry Nutkins, Feb 11, 2014
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  4. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    I went to an ice cream parlour the other day.

    "Can I have an ice cream please" I asked the assistant.

    "Hundreds and thousands? " she replied

    "I'll just start off with the one if that's ok" I said back

    "Knickerbocker glory?" she said

    "No love It's just how these trousers hang"
     
    Jack Tatty, Feb 11, 2014
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  5. Red Adair

    Red Adair Well-Known Member

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    Paddy pulls up alongside a truck at traffic lights after flashing and beepin his horn at the driver,
    Leans over to passenger side to get drivers attention ,driver winds window down and asks problem
    Paddy screams "tha loosing thi load mate tha loosing thi load."Driver winds window up and carries on.
    Next set of lights same again "tha loosing thi load mate tha loosing thi load"driver shakes his head and carries on.
    After a few more sets of lights with the same carry on finally paddy pulls up and jumps out of his car and sceams at the driver
    "Tha loosing thi load tha loosing thi load"
    Driver replies"am fecking gritting""

    Al get me coit.
     
    Red Adair, Feb 11, 2014
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  6. Jay

    Jay Well-Known Member

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    What's brown and sticky?

    A stick.

    And now a couple of racist jokes...

    New refuse collector out on his first round, looking for the bin by a Chinese takeaway, spots the owner coming out of the side door:
    "Hi mate, where's your bin?"
    "A bin a Hong Kong!"
    "No mate, where's your wheelie bin?"
    "A wheelie bin a Hong Kong!"

    Bloke eating a meal in a Chinese restaurant:
    "Excuse me waiter, this chicken is rubbery."
    "Thank you very much."
     
    Jay, Feb 11, 2014
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  7. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    Re: What's brown and sticky?

    I phoned my local gym up the other day and asked if someone could teach me how to do the splits.

    "How flexible are you?" they asked

    I said "I can do Tuesdays and Thursdays"
     
    Jack Tatty, Feb 11, 2014
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  8. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    Re: What's brown and sticky?

    I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day. A few minutes after placing my order this duck came over to my table handed me a rose and said to me "your eyes sparkle like diamonds and your smile melts my heart"

    I pulled the waiter over and said to him "I think there's been a mistake. I ordered aromatic duck".
     
    Jack Tatty, Feb 11, 2014
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  9. Jack Tatty

    Jack Tatty Well-Known Member

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    Re: What's brown and sticky?

    Batman came up to me the other day, hit me over the head with a vase and went "T'PAU!"

    I said shouldn't that have been "Kapow!"

    He said "no because I've got china in my hand"
     
    Jack Tatty, Feb 11, 2014
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  10. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    This bloke goes to the doctor and says "I've got a golf ball stuck up my a**e, can you get it out?".

    The doctor has a look and says, "Sorry, I can't reach it, it's up a fair way"
     
    Stahlrost, Feb 11, 2014
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  11. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

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    Sister brought her new born baby round, has I held him my sister said "he probably wants winding" I thought that's a bit harsh so gave him a dead leg instead.
     
    Bossman, Feb 11, 2014
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  12. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
     
    Stahlrost, Feb 11, 2014
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  13. JLWBigLil

    JLWBigLil Well-Known Member

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    During the Second World War, there was a strict crackdown on gambling and dice games. My Grandad thought he could get away with it, but he ended up being put in prison for being a Yahtzee sympathiser.
     
    JLWBigLil, Feb 11, 2014
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  14. Boaty Tyke

    Boaty Tyke Well-Known Member

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    Bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
     
    Boaty Tyke, Feb 11, 2014
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  15. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    The recruitment consultant asked me "Have you thought of doing some voluntary work?

    I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
     
    Stahlrost, Feb 11, 2014
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  16. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car and nearly went off the road.

    He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off the road into a tree.

    The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road".
     
    Stahlrost, Feb 11, 2014
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  17. Boaty Tyke

    Boaty Tyke Well-Known Member

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    Friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits
     
    Boaty Tyke, Feb 11, 2014
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  18. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I phoned up my local drug dealer this morning. There was nobody in. The answering machine voice said "If you want some marijuana, press the hash key"
     
    Stahlrost, Feb 11, 2014
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  19. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle
     
    Stahlrost, Feb 11, 2014
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  20. twi

    twillo Well-Known Member

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    I asked the missus what she wants for Valentines Day. She said 'Ill give you you a clue. Ex England goalie'.

    She thinks she's getting Flowers but instead she's getting Seaman.
     
    twillo, Feb 11, 2014
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