JOKES TO OFFEND ALMOST EVERYONE

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she’s 18.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”

What do you call an Welsh farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.

What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

 

Aussie Sensitivity

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

 

PMSL

I must use that line in future! Perhaps not..

 

RE: Use that from the pulpit

They probably wouldn't get it, but the bishop would love it!