A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game his Grandfather was watching, he shouted, "Coldwater, move!" A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!" A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It’s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, “Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.” The blonde then responds, “How do you give shoulders?” Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he began to interrogate her. "How old are you, Mom?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's none of your business either, young man," she said. The boy thought for a minute, then delivered his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?" Shocked and appalled, mom sent him to bed without supper. The next day, the kid reported his failure to his friend. "I know!" said his buddy. "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know." Later that day, mom found her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she snapped. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," explained the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 43 years old...you weigh 135 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex." A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks." says the cowboy, "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it
