For sometime now I have been looking for a suitable character to play the role of a certain local manager. All soft toys ( and other objects ) have turned down the opportunity for fear of permanently sullying their reputations. So in the end there was only one character brave ( or foolhardy ? ) enough to take on the challenge...........and here he is at last........... KES 2009 Part 4 co-starring CELEBRITY MONKEY If only the rest of Tivvy Caspar's life was as satisfying as the time he spends with Rob. Every day after his early morning training session with the bird he has to leave for school. He is dreading today's football lesson with the rather deranged PE teacher, Mr.Blackwell. Mr.Blackwell : What do you mean you've got no kit. All lads have kit ! They have wardrobes brimful of replica football shirts so don't go telling me you haven't got any kit. Tivvy Caspar : Well I ant. Mr.Blackwell : I will get you some kit. And off he goes to rummage in cupboards. Mr.Blackwell : Right, get into those. Mr.Blackwell : You are too daft to laugh at ! Today we're going to do Sheffield United against Barnsley and you lot are going to get a footballing lesson ! Caspar, you are in goal for us Blades. Tivvy Caspar : But sir, I can't play, av gotta cough. Mr.Blackwell : What do you mean you've got a cough ? Here I am letting you play in goal for the Mighty Blades and you say you've got a cough !! TAKE SOME MEDICINE THEN YOU DAFT LAD ! The game kicks off and the 'Barnsley F.C.' centre-forward races forward with the ball and kicks it into the net behind Tivvy. Mr.Blackwell : What do you think you're doing lad ? Lad : Dribblin sir. Mr.Blackwell : Dribblin ? You are dribbling ? What sort of football do you call that ? You want to get it up in the air lad. Right up there, over their heads. That's how you play football lad !! Mr.Blackwell runs up the field knocking small boys out of the way, it is after all a man's game. Then he crosses the line into the 'Barnsley' penalty area and is 'viciously tackled' by a tiny midfielder. Mr.Blackwell : Arrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh! Penalty !!! Tiny midfielder ( whispers ) : Chuffin Eduardo Mr.Blackwell keeps retaking the penalty till at last the goalie gives in and lets him score. The deranged PE teacher then begins goal celebrations that would put Adebayor to shame. Running up and down the pitch soaking up the applause and adulation from the imaginary crowd. One of the 'Barnsley' players begins to show off to let the other boys see just how good he is. Mr.Blackwell soon notices. Mr.Blackwell : You lad, what's your name ? Lad : Brian sir. Mr.Blackwell : Right Brian, I'll have you in my team, come on lad, you're a mighty Blade now. Brian : Ooo thank you Mr.Blackwell, thank you ever so much, I always wanted to play for a massive team ! The game continues with the blades not showing much enthusiasm until Mr.Blackwell hears a little voice muttering..... Mr.Blackwell : What was that you said lad ? Did I hear you right ? Seth : A dint say ote. Mr.Blackwell : I heard you ! You said the mighty Blades have no team spirit. ARE YOU STUPID BOY ? Seth : No sir, I jus..... Mr.Blackwell : Well it's a STUPID thing to say. What does a STUPID lad like you know about football. I don't know ! Mr.Blackwell : What are you doing now Caspar ? Are you an ape ? Tivvy Caspar : Well actually I am ..... Mr.Blackwell : Get down you daft lad, those goalposts failed their health and safety certificate ! Mr.Blackwell : You lad off you go. I've no further use for you ! Off you go to Reading !! Brian : But sir, just let me play football.... Mr.Blackwell : OFF !! OFF you go ! Go and do some reading. Then as 'Barnsley' continue to press, Seth sends the ball flying towards the United net. Little Tivvy Caspar trips over the enormous shorts and as he dives the ball flies past his outstretched arms into the back of the goal. Barnsley 2 United 1 Mr.Blackwell : Right that's enough ! I'm calling this game off. We have massive injuries in our team. GAME OVER ! Result null and void. Tivvy Caspar : Dunt worry. Am avin a shower in this 2009 version an if tha so much as looks at mi bum I'll av thi ont child sex offenders register !
