Letter sent to Charlton AFC:

Dear Nick Powell,

I'd like to complain about the game on Saturday that didn't actually happen.
I got up at 9am, had breakfast, took a dump, went to football training, fed the kids & settled down on the sofa to watch Sky Soccer Saturday.
I then fell asleep, as I'd had a few cans of Adnams Southwold the night before & wasn't feeling great.
I awoke to find the football match between my club, the mighty Barnsley, and the team you "manage", Chorlton Athleticals, had been postponed.

At no point had I planned to attend this fixture as my record at away games in London is horrendous.
However, I have instructed my Solicitor, Adam Hinchcliffe Associates, to sue you for wrongful dismissal.
I've also asked them to sue you for making Redders rubbish.

To settle my claim I demand the following:

(1) You will purchase our talented left back, Thomas Kennedy, for £1m as he's homesick
(2) You will give every Barnsley fan planning to attend that day (118,000 of us) £200 compensation & free entrance to the Purple Door Club
(3) I'd like a written apology to appear on the moon by 5pm today
(4) You will make my tea on Friday when the wife is at work
(5) You will award Barnsley FC a 72-0 win for this match, as it's too far for 118,000 for us to travel on a Tuesday night in the snow

Your response is required within 72 hours.
Otherwise Ads will take you to the fakkin' cleaners.

Yours in sport,

TFP

 

Not enough bummage, 6/10.

 

How can I include loving on a letter threatening legal action?

I don't think you're taking this seriously.
Our fans died making the trip to this game, just like our Lord on the cross.

 

I'm surprised, our 2nd most famous fan, Jesus (after Parky - of course) made the trip down. Shame its what finished him off once and for all.

He's been through the ringer this last 2015 years

 

Agreed.
Charlton Athletic:

Postponing a game at short notice - guilty.
Making Redders rubbish - guilty.
Having a pitch that is used for growing spuds - guilty.
Killing our Lord Jesus Christ - guilty.
Eating Maddie McCann - guilty.
Dry loving Hemsworth Tyke sideways, on a bike, in a soup, au gratin - guilty.

I'm furiously masturbating like Ben Mantlesford.