i. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on blind-and-handless Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa? Les Barnsley, Barnsley ii. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing Barstewards!!! Tracey Cusick, Cumbria iii. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'F' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford iv. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years. Tim v. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense! The last edition of 'High School Anal' that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts vi. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my granddad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years. A Thorne, Sandbach vii. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true."Absence makes the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually 'gave her one' on the living room carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol viii. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Magnus, Sheffield ix. The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government knows and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail xi. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNabb. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the **** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email xii. It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her 'puppies' hit the pan'? Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast xiii. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with his girlfriend Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi xiv. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars? T Barnham, London
viii. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Magnus, Sheffield
