Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

  1. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    This didnt go how I was expecting :)
     
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  2. North Yorks Red

    North Yorks Red Well-Known Member

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  3. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
    Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
    Englishman "Of course."
    Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
    The Englishman listens in silence.
    The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
    Englishman: "Of Course."
    Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
    "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."
    After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
    Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
    Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
    Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
    Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
     
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  4. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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  5. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    Pmsl so funny :)
     
  6. North Yorks Red

    North Yorks Red Well-Known Member

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  7. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
    The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
    A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
    "He's dead," she replies.
    "Dead?" the doctor asked.
    "Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.''
     
  8. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    Horse having a pint with a donkey as they do....
    Horse braggingt
    says "I’ve won the Derby, Oaks, St ledger,The Grand National and the Gold Cup"
    The donkey says that's nothing & shows him a picture of a zebra on his phone
    Who’s that? says the horse
    That’s me when I played for Newcastle
     
  9. Tarntyke

    Tarntyke Well-Known Member

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  10. Father Benny Cake

    Father Benny Cake Well-Known Member

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    My Uncle Norman’s answer to everything was alcohol.
    He wasn't a big drinker, He was just crap at crosswords.
     
  11. dreamboy3000

    dreamboy3000 Well-Known Member

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    Can someone please go check on Taylor Swift, as she must be absolutely devastated.

    [​IMG]
     
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  12. cor

    cornwall tyke Well-Known Member

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    Remember when Walkers used to do this? These days you'll be lucky to find a ******* crisp in your bag!!!

    [​IMG]
     
  13. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    True Story……I was chatting in the Hospital with another bloke. He said, ''I'm in for an Endoscopy, they are going to see what's going on down mi throat, what you in for?'' I said, ''Oh camera up arse.'' He said, ''It's called Colonoscopy.'' I said, ''No pal, camera up arse, our Gert caught me taking pictures of the neighbours tits!!..
     
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  14. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    A man walked into Rotherham A n E with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. “Well, it’s like this,” explained the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
    “Well, we went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife’s golf ball.”
    “And?” pried the doctor.
    “Well, that’s when I made my mistake. I lifted the cow’s tail and yelled to the misses, ‘This one here looks like yours’.”
     
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  15. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    Home of the Mexborough Reds……looooooool IMG_2781.jpeg
     
  16. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    The missis woke up in hospital after a vaginal tuck, to find 3 bunches of flowers on her window sill.
    One from the surgeon " All went well".
    One from me “Love you, get well soon".❤️
    One from Dennis in the burns unit "Thanks for the new ears"
     
  17. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    2 women talking 1 says so your getting married again
    Yes says other one it'll be my 4th marriage
    1st hubby was a gynaecologist he used to look at it
    2nd hubby was a geologist who studied it
    3rd hubby was a stamp collecter well i really miss him
     
  18. dearnevalleyviper

    dearnevalleyviper Well-Known Member

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    For you that don't understand our beautiful Yorkshire accent

    1. To you, ‘chuffed’ is an emotion.
    2. You say ‘eh’ whenever you dunt understand summat.
    3. Ome med Yorkshire puds are only option.
    4. Yorkshire Tea is only tea that exists.
    5. Word ‘the’ int even a thing.
    6. Your accent strengthens when surrounded by fellow Yorkshire folk.
    7. Red roses simply dunt exist.
    8. You're referred to as ‘r lass’ or ‘r lad’.
    9. You’ve fallen victim to bread cake / tea cake argument.
    10. You’ve also fallen victim to a scone vs scon pronunciation face-off.
    11. You're in your bikini or shorts at owt above 15 degrees.
    12. A Sunday roast int just tradition, it’s LAW.
    13. Tha knew what a ‘mardy bum’ was before Arctic Monkeys.
    14. "M'off t'shop" meks perfect sense.
    15. Lunch is dinner n dinner is tea.
    16. You're able to drop c-bomb in everyday conversation.
    17. You understand the phrase ‘tin tin tin’.
    18. Tha luvs a bargain.
    19. You like what you seh n seh what you bloody well like.
    20. You bring up Yorkshire as often as you possibly can.
    21. If you ask for Spice tha knows tha'll get sweets not nutmeg or paprika.
    22. When someone asks "**** bed" you know you're in early.
    23. Thas bought meat from meat van at car boot.
    24. You actually talk to folk on public transport n in street.
    25. You've sed "Ow Much!"
    26. Been to Pie Shop after a night art.
    27. Tha'nos Kes n Billy.
    28. "It'll b'reyt" can be answer to any problem.
    29. Also a brew can solve owt.
    30. You know where there's muck, there's brass.
    31. Nowt starts wi letter "H".
    32. You're used t'sporting success but ard times in football.
    33. You know someone who used t'werk darn pit.
    34. That 'ouse int middle of M62 is a sign you're cumin 'ome or goin t'dark side.
    35. Name "Thatcher" brings instant anger.
    36. When you're sick someone will allus tell you summat is goin raand
    37. Your mam wud try n palm you off wi a choc ice when Ice cream van cum raand.
    38. Thas a pro at Kerby.
    39. Ad a few clips raand lug oyle as a young un.
    40. Gip is a word.
    41. Eyup can mean, a greeting, a sound of surprise, a warning or a question.
    42. You call everybody "luv", male or female.
    43. Oowashi wi? makes perfect sense
    44. You use the word "oyle" when describing places and parts of the body.
    45. You know that Tarn 'All Steps was for loose women
    46. LAIKIN means playing out or avoiding going to work.
    47. Snap isn't just a card game.
    48. You know all the words to "On Ilkley Moor bah't at".
    49. Thi mam's mate was allus called aunty though not related to you.
    50. You refer to Yorkshire as Gods Own Country.
     
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  19. North Yorks Red

    North Yorks Red Well-Known Member

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  20. Farnham_Red

    Farnham_Red Administrator Staff Member Admin

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    I just fell through the roof of a french bakery

    I am in a lot of pain
     

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