Matchday with Monkey : Blackpool Home

For once we have got all the way to the ground without incident.



Monkey : Erm I've got a confession to make.

Me : If it's about spamming everyone in the whole world to be your friend on Spacebook I already know. Your email's jammed up.

Monkey : No it's not that, it's worse, much worse, I've spent a lot of your money by accident again.

Me : What now ?

Monkey : Well I thought I'd help out and buy the Brambly Lane ticket so I rang the club's ticket line....

Me : YOU DID WHAT !!!!

Monkey : Well you buy all sorts of things over the phone and on the internet, I thought it would be so easy. Anyway I dialled the number and all I could hear was a lady reading out the entire official website. I kept saying hello but she just went on and on telling me how much hot dogs and stuff cost at Derby. She wouldn't listen to me ! Then after about half an hour she said hello back and said there were lots of tickets left but I couldn't have one. I had been on the phone long enough to pay Andranik's wages for another week of idleness.

And with that off his chest he whips my credit card and dashes off to the box office to make amends.




When R.Tiverton and I catch up with him it is clear he hasn't been looking where he was going.




The man picks him up.

Man : Hello, you must be Celebrity Monkey, I have seen you on the internet. My name's Barnsley66.

Monkey : Huff, puff, wheeeeze.

Barnsley66 : You're not very fit are you and you're putting on a bit of weight lad ! Must be all those polos and chocolates.

Monkey : At least I don't tread on people !

Barnsley66 : You should come training with me. I'm doing a sponsored run in May to raise money for the charity BASIC that Iain Hume suggested.

Monkey : Oh that ! I'm doing that, I've got loads of sponsors already.

It is the first I've heard of it. Monkey poses for photos and off we go to the ticket office.




We arrive at the ground and Monkey announces he is upgrading the facilities.

Me : What's wrong with weeing on the wall like all the other blokes ?

Monkey : What's wrong !!! I am five inches tall that's what's wrong with going in that place.

Me : Is it going to be plumbed in ?

Monkey : I don't think so. I thought maybe you could pop it in your bag to take home and empty it.




The match kicks off and the Blackpool coach tapes up posters and diagrams and lists of tactics in their dugout. Oh how we laugh.

Monkey : R.Tivvy, sneak down there and read what it says then go and tell Davey. Go on.... you're the smallest.

R.Tiverton : No. I will not, that would be cheating.




The play moves from end to end. Blackpool seem to have more ideas than Birmingham did. Worryingly they seem to have more ideas than Barnsley too. One empty crisp packet after another flies over our heads.


HALF TIME

Monkey disappears then after a few minutes ....



Monkey : Oi !!! Toilet paper ! Have you got any toilet paper !!




We wait for the second half to begin. Things can only get better.



After 10 more minutes of coming and going on the pitch there is a little muffled cry from my pocket.





Ronni Jamal : Davey out ! Davey out !

I didn't even know she'd come. The extra strong sleeping tablets R.Tiverton gave her on Tuesday have worn off.




Then catastrophe strikes and Blackpool score.

R.Tiverton : It's alright. There's 20 minutes to go. Don't panic. It'll inspire Barnsley to step up a gear and score twice.

Ronni Jamal : DAVEY OUT !




The Reds press forwards and backwards too and there was a shot.

R.Tiverton : Ooooohhhh ! It's alright. Mr.Davey's got a plan. He has. He has hasn't he Slebitty Daddy ?

Ronni Jamal : DAVEY OUT ! DAVEY OUT !

R.Tiverton : Shut up deedar ! That's not helping.

Ronni Jamal : Dingle dingle dinggggggggggggguuuulll




And as the final whistle blows an almighty fight breaks out between the pro-Davey and anti-Davey lobbies.

R.Tiverton : Ouch ! Get off ! Stop !!!

But she won't. Tired of his baseless optimism she beats the living daylights out of him until I step in as Monkey clearly had no intention of separating them.




Monkey ( to me ) : Well if you'd set a better example maybe she wouldn't be so violent. You have just kicked all those defenceless plastic bottles right across the West stand and STOP SWEARING.

R.Tiverton : My arm hurts




R.Tiverton : My arm's gone all limp and won't do what I want it to.

Me : Huh, sounds like Barnsley F.C.

A large tear rolls down his cheek.

Me : I'm sorry R.Tivvy. Sorry for making you support Barnsley and I'll sort your arm out.

Monkey : You don't think daddy's fat do you Ronni ?

Ronni : Dadadadadad fat.

 

If anyone's interested R.Tiv's had 39 stitches and his arm is now on the mend.

 

Get well soon R.Tivvy xxxx

 

I Did Wonder Yesterday But.........

were those the team tatics stuck to the dugout

 

They seem to be, theyve got things on them anyway

At the game I thought they might be simply to stop people looking into the dugout but it does appear they had things on them. how odd

 

RE: They seem to be, theyve got things on them anyway

They had diagrams of pitches all over them and words and little drawings. And someone had seen it was windy and stuck em up really carefully.

 

Windy was there?

He was probably trying to copy young nudger.


Why is it that Ronnie Jamal can't say dad properly but can say davey out quite clearly?

 

RE: Windy was there?

Yes Supertyke, she really ought to be able to talk more now but she seems to have got stuck on repeating one phrase over and over again.

 

Sorry about that Monkey!

Offer for a training run still stands.

5am - Monday to Thursday. Only 4-5 miles.

Give me a call.

 

RE: Sorry about that Monkey!

Mr. 66, I don't think our clocks do 5 a.m. ! I don't believe there is such a time.

 

Monkey what do you do for a living? Are you and Maureen both on benefits?

 

Supertyke, I am a celebrity, that is all we have in this country these days. All children want to be celebrities when they grow up that is why the economy is thriving. They go to uni to do Celebrity Studies and other stuff like that.

Sometimes I help my agent with work but apparently I am a huge distraction.

Maureen is a WAG, she spends money and that's about it really.