Matchday with Monkey : Blunts Home

CelebrityMonkey · Nov 10, 2009

I have foolishly left the monkeys alone to spend the morning on a craft activity session while I get on with some work.

Monkey : Oi, we've run out of red paint.

R.Tiverton : We can't leave it like this or everyone will start humming.

Me : In the West Stand ? I doubt it. I will get you some more paint. And take those novelty moose antlers off Monkey, I am not taking you out looking like that. People will think I'm odd.

Despite my pre-match fears nothing scary happens in the car park. apart from a strange man who asks me detailed questions about 'parking arrangements'. I am not allowed to leave till I have given a complete explanation of charges, times, location of ticket machines etc. I don't know whether to be pleased to be mistaken for someone who lives in Barnsley or worried that I look like an expert on car parks. I edge away politely and head off to the pub feeling tense, nauseous, terrified and excited.

Ronni Jamal asks everyone what she should shout at Mr.Blackwell. She is not quite sure who Mr.Blackwell is, but does know that he needs shouting at. BarnsleyDaft whispers some advice to her.

Ronni Jamal : Ooooooooo that's reyt rude ! Tell mi again !!

Once inside the ground Monkey hangs his banner up for the paramedics to look at and hopes the TV camera may pan past it at some stage.

A minute of silence spent thinking about my great great uncles Herbert and Arthur Atkinson, killed within weeks of each other in 1916.

The match kicks off and it is end to end stuff. We can barely keep up with the new improved Anderson Da Silva and the ever enthusiastic Bogdanovich.

Monkey : Wooooooooo........go go go Andersonnnnnnnnnn !

Ronni Jamal : Is that im there dad ?

Monkey : Yes, the one with his head in his hands.

Ronni Jamal : *****@@**& you *****@@$$ Blackwell !!! Or was it ***** Blackwell is a @@@@@@@@ !!!! A can't remember what DAft told mi to say, it might av bin *@*@*@*@@@@ you ******** @@@@@ !!!

Monkey : Ronni, that's more than enough ! You are starting to sound like a blunt on praise or grumble !

HALF TIME

Ronni Jamal : Am goin round side ferra ***.

Monkey : OK Ronni, but remember DO NOT GO ON THE PITCH. That would be very naughty.

Ronni Jamal : A waint go on 'pitch, am jus gaggin ferra ***.

Monkey : Well go on then, nobody's stopping you........

A strange shadow appears. If this were a film there would be some haunting electronic music............

We are joined by a little visitor who skilfully lands his spaceship by my feet.....

Alien : Hi, I'm from IGFA, the Inter-Galactic Football Association. I gather there is some unfinished business that needs sorting out round here.

Monkey : If you are a little green man, how come you are red ?

Alien : Best colour there is Monkey ! Pure red. Anyway, we at IGFA were appalled by the lack of action from your own planet's F.A. so I have come to put matters right.

Monkey : There's no point in offering you any chocolate is there then if you are busy ?

Alien : you could save me a bit for later.

R.Tiverton sighs. That reply shows this is not a terribly intelligent extra-terrestial lifeform if it expects Monkey to save it a bit of chocolate.

The second half kicks off and Barnsley's best spell results in a wonder goal for Anderson. The shouty man in front leaps up and Anderson runs to celebrate in front of me R.Tiv and Ronni. No Monkey ?

R.Tiverton : Dad, dad, we scored a screamer !

Monkey : That's nice son, I think the TV camera may have caught me then.

But the joy is short-lived as the Blunts get a penalty.

Ronni Jamal : Arrr bugger ! Eees gone an scored it !

This spurs the alien into action.

Alien : Mind altering energy rays ACTIVATE !

Then he fires at the Blunt defence to allow Macken to cross so Boggy can score Barnsley's second Gooooooooooooal !

But again the celebrations don't last long as the Blunts get and score another penalty.

R.Tiverton : I am going to be very rude to Mr.Blackwell.

And out pops his little tongue.

The little alien fires off some gratuitous explosions at Blunts he has previously missed.

Blackwell : I really don't know how we are picking up all these injuries.

Alien : JUSTICE for Iain Hume is nearing completion..........

And before we can thank him properly he fires up his rockets and disappears back to whence he came.

We trudge back to the car and I get very upset when someone tells us I walk funny.