Matchday with Monkey : Southampton Home

Monkey is intrigued by all the matchday rituals we have to go through before we make it to our seat in the West Stand Lower.




It all begins with a mid-morning cuppa from the cup of good fortune.

Monkey : Promotion 1981 it says. Were you there ?

Me : Not physically no. It was just before my time. I remember it though. It fact today is a special day. It is the 27th anniversary of my first match at Oakwell give or take a few days.

Monkey : I'm sure the club will present you with something.

R.Tiverton ( looking at me ) : You don't look that old, gosh, are you really that old ? Were you a baby when you first went like I was ? Slebitty Daddy, is it OK if I take my french horn ? It's so quiet in the West Stand Lower, I want to get them making some noise. I can play "Come on you Reds !"




We are just about to set off.

Monkey : Are we going to do that ritual where you forget something eg hat, ticket and you have to turn round and drive home ?

I ignore him and off we go.

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We have gone two miles when......

Monkey : Erm, I think I might not actually have brought my scarf... you know, the one Julian knitted me from his own llama wool.

Me ( after another mile or so ) : Well strangely I managed to remember to bring it for you. Me being old and forgetful.





Monkey : And this is a lucky car park space isn't it ? Will you do that thing with the potatoes again that I missed on Thursday ?

Guy Gibson : Barnes, why do we never get to take part in these things ? Ever since that wretched monkey appeared we've been stuck in this car.

Barnes Wallace : They haven't done a re-enactment of the dam busters yet. And anyway we are World War two air force heroes Guy, would we really want to demean ourselves by appearing in such nonsense ?




We pass through the market and stop for lucky polos. The lady won't buy flakes because they make a mess.




I insist on leaving the market by the lucky exit.





Monkey : Left or right turnstile ?

Me : You don't have to ask. It is right this season.




Inside we remember to touch the lucky post that is still there form the 80s.

Monkey : Wooooo, I can feel electric magic pouring out of it.

Me : No, someone's just recognised you and made me jump. It is Joskins, he is a big fan of Julian's.




Twenty minutes into the match and not a lot has happened apart from wild shots that land in row Z. Barnes Wallace, Barnsley F.C. need you to show them how to control bouncy things. Especially the ones that may head towards our German later.

R.Tiverton plays his little heart out on his french horn. Monkey is not very encouraging and neither is the rest of the West Stand Lower who sit in stoney silence broken only by the groans following each offside decision.




My phone rings. It is Maureen.

R.Tiverton : What does she want Slebitty Daddy ?

Monkey : I can't hear properly, something about having a tub of gravy, I have been deafened by your trumpet.


HALF TIME




R.Tiverton : Go Toby GO !! I want to do that thing with the footballs like all the other boys. Can I Slebitty Daddy, pleeeeeeeeease ?




A text arrives. Monkey goes all quiet for a while, then ......

Monkey : Why didn't she just tell me properly ?

R.Tiverton : She says you are always on message boards and texting you is the only way to get through to you sometimes. I'm going to have a baby brother ! Hooray !! Someone to play football with ? I can't wait to get home and see him.




The second half kicks off and it is only going to be a matter of time before something happens.




But just to make sure we score, I hand out the lucky polos.

R.Tiverton : Have you got one on a stick please ? You know I like lollies best.




Then something happens. Southampton score with their only shot of the game as far as we can remember.

Monkey : You know your rituals ? Why don't they include making sure Barnsley have a midfield and some players who can actually hit the target ?

Me ( somewhat feebly ) : Well if I hadn't done all those things it might have been worse......

Monkey : What could possibly be worse than losing to a team like that ?




The final whistle goes.

R.Tiverton : Get up Slebitty Daddy ! Let's hurry home to see the new baby.

Poor little R.Tiverton will have to face up to another disappointment. I will have to explain all about babies and Mummy's tummies on the way home. Oh joy !

 

Remind your agent

the woman with the long wild hair who smiled & said Hi earlier is pleased the crutches have gone & will still adopt is needed

 

RE: Remind your agent

Good thing you were on the phone Ali or you'd have had to hear a long explanation about crutches....yawn. And nice to see you out of your darkenend room.

I'm not too worried by the thought of another baby. Maureen managed to look after the first OK so I'm sure she can manage another but thanks for the offer.

 

RE: You didn 't wave again

Sorry I didn't wave. We spent most of half time wondering why the camera insisted it needed a whole second to take photos and had a black screen.

Probably because someone FORGOT the spare batteries....notice that didn't get into the match report.....probably FORGOT to put it in.