Not more Slackbladder

(in the dressing room, sound of whistling is heard)

(Hill sighs)

Don: You seem fed up, Keith?

Hill: Don, the day this war of words with the fans began I was fed up. Within ten minutes of getting the job, I finished with being fed up and moved on to condescension and insouciance. And at this point, I'm in a car with Sidney on my way to the swimming pool in Rochdale.

Don: Oh well, because if you are fed up, you know what would cheer you up, a lot of comparison to Steve McClaren. Oh, I love Old Steveo, don't you, Keith?

Hill: Unfortunately no I don't. I find that comparison about as funny as getting calls for my neck and discovering I've got a resignation letter.

Don: Ah, beg pardon, Keith, but come on! His Dutch accent was ball-bouncingly funny.

Hill: Rubbish!

Don: Alright, let's consult the players for a casting vote, shall we? Bobby?

Hassell: (entering) Don!

Don: Steve McClaren, Bobby. What do you make of him?

Hassell: Oh Don, he's as funny as one of Keith's comments that's blown out of all proportion.

Hill: So you agree with me. Not at all funny?

Don: Oh come on, Keith, it ain't fair. I haven't asked for all of this. When he used that umbrella, I thought I'd die!

Hill: Well, if that's your idea of comedy, we can provide our own. (kicks Bobby) There, you find that funny?

Don: Well, no of course not, Keith, but you see, McClaren is a misguided genius.

Hill: He certainly is a genius, Don. He invented a way of getting a million pounds a year by teaching Joey Barton how to adopt a stupid accent. Did you find that funny, Bobby?

Hassell: What funny, boss?

Hill: (kicks Bobby again) That funny.

Hassell: No boss, you mustn't do that to me boss, because that is a Lancastrian act of aggression, boss.

Hill: What?

Hassell: I think I noticed it on Twitter boss, there's something afoot in the tweets. The twittering masses yearning for me to be picked.

Hill: Bobby, have you been on the BBS again?

Hassell: No boss, I've been looking at the league table. Already our Sheffield comrades are poised on the brink of revolution. And here too, boss, the unpicked players such as myself, boss, are ready to throw off the hated aggressors like you and Flicker. Present company accepted, boss.

Hill: Go and clean the boots.

Hassell: Yes boss, right away, boss.

Don: Now the reason why McClaren is so funny is because he's part of a great football manager tradition.

Hill: Oh yes, the great football manager tradition. One man, with an incredibly unconvincing accent going, "Did you know we are skint? Did you know the other teams all have more money? Did you know we are only a small club?" GET ON WITH IT!!!

Don: Now Keith, that was funny! You should have spoken those words yourself!

Hill: Thank you, Don, but if you don't mind, I'd rather have my budget beaten wafer-thin by you and then stapled to my contract with a release clause.

(loud voices are heard outside)

Hassell: (rushing in) Boss, boss, it's all over the forums! The Deedar Revolution has started. The Owls have risen up and cleaned out their nest!

Don: Well, hurrah!

Hill: (reading a newspaper) Oh no, the Deedars have pulled out of the bottom three.

Don: Well, we soon saw them off, didn't we Keith? Miserable Pigs.

Hill: The Deedars were below us, Don.

Don: Oh really?

Hill: And they've sacked Dave Jones.

Hassell: And they've overthrown Milan Mandaric who used to be bizarre.

Hill: Who used to be *the czar*, Bobby. The point is that the Deedars are coming over here with the express purpose of using our nets for target practice. There's only one thing for it, I'll have to resign and I'm going to have to do it....right now.

(enter Patrick)

Cryne: Are you leaving us, Keith?

Hill: No sir.

Cryne: Well I'm relieved to hear it. I need you to help me buy more lower league players later on. There have been some nasty mutterings on the forums. You'll recall, after the New Year at Doncaster, when we suffered from a series of horrendous results sending us to the bottom.

Hill: Yes sir, but surely that was traced to the dodgy gypsy catering.

Cryne: Nonsense Keith! It was the forums! And now that the Owls have followed suit, I'm damned if I can let the same thing happen here.

Hill: Oh, and what are you going to do about it, sir?

Cryne: I'm going to have Don host an evening to boost the fan's morale.

Don: An evening, well, hurrah!

Cryne: You fancy an evening with the fans, Keith?

Hill: Well frankly sir, I'd rather spend an evening teaching Sidney at the pool.

 

Quality. Again.