Old jokes are the best thread

I'll start.</p>

2 irishmen are walking down a river on safari in South Africa when they see a man being eaten alive by a crocodile.</p>

Paddy turns to Murphy and says, &quot;Look at that posh b@st@rd with that Lacoste sleeping bag&quot;</p>

 

whats wrong with 2 women in the bed room?




Who's in the kitchen!!

 

How about Ken and Edna

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year
And every year Ken would say
'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied
'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,
'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Ken replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know……………………

(Scroll down)







"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

 

(Q) why was the washing machine laughing??

(A) taking the piss out of the knickers

 

A man is in a queue at Asda and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can’t believe his luck. Then she starts waving.

"Excuse me, do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says, proudly.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Bloody hell, are you the whore I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a hair brush up my arse?"

"No!" she wails, completely embarrassed, "I’m your son’s English teacher!"

 

On a visit to the UK, and having got all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' winks the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, and heading east on the M4, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to well over 100 MPH.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear a police siren. 'Oh, dear Lord, I'm gonna lose my licence,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his car, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Inspector - NOW!' he says to the dispatcher.

The Inspector gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 110 MPH.

'So book him,' says the Inspector.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Inspector exclaimed, 'All the more reason; he should set an example!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Inspector then asked, 'Who have you got there, the PM?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Inspector: 'Royalty?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Inspector, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Inspector: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'Well, he's got the Pope as his chauffeur for a start...'

 

Brilliant

Absolutely brilliant.

 

A posh Southern lady's watching Emmerdale...

and she starts thinking to herself "I want one of those fit young farmer boys, full of muscle" so she gets in her sports car and speeds off up the M1. When she's approaching the Yorkshire Dales she spots a young farmer throwing his tractor into the next field so she pulls up runs up to the fence opens her blouse and shouts "I want *******", the young Farmer replies "I do, i've just ploughed wrong field"

 

Bought a BMW and took it round to my parents for dad to have a look

...Dad wasn't impressed. Said he'd never own a German car after what happened to my grandfather during the second world war.
















Turns out that my Grandad owned a succession of unreliable German motors between 1939 and 1945.

 

Bought a car off a clown

Got it home,got out of it closed the door....it went bang, up in a puff of smoke and the doors and weels fell off....

 

2 scousers riding in a car with no music whos driving?? The Policeman

A horse walks into a bar the barman says "why the long face"

 

Two monkeys having a bath.....

.....one says to the other &quot;oo oo oo haa haa haaaa&quot; the other one turns and says &quot;told you it was hot!&quot;.</p>

Bill and ben having a bath bill says to ben &quot;flubber lubber lubber&quot;, ben replies to bill &quot;you dirty b@st@rd!&quot;.</p>

Two fish in a tank one says to the other &quot;how do you drive this thing?&quot;</p>

Two birds stood on a perch one says to the other &quot;do you smell fish?&quot;</p>

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street, paddy falls into a well of milk. Murphy shouts to paddy &quot;is it pasturised?&quot; paddy replies &quot;no its only just upto my knees&quot;.</p>

Paddy and Murphy go to the jobcentre and see an advert that reads &quot;tree fellers wanted&quot;, paddy says &quot;****, there are only two of us&quot;.</p>

On the way back from the jobcentre they walk past a newsagents and outside is a sign that says &quot;scottish rapist wanted&quot;, Murphy turns to Paddy and asks &quot;why do the scots get all the good jobs?&quot;.</p>

I'm here all week!!!!</p>

One last one, I went for an interview as a blacksmith and the retiring blacksmith said do i know how to shoe a horse. Course I did, I walked upto the horse with a flick of the wrist and shouted &quot;shooo!&quot;
</p>

 

Whats tha call a cat wi no legs............? dog meat.

 

2 moths on a wall one moth says to other moth am off

 

I asked the lad at JJB what a "cricket box" was.
He said its made of cheap plastic and you put your Genitals in it,..................................... a bit like Jordan.!!!!!

 

A man is sitting in the pub .......

A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely."

Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes."

The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."

 

Two flies on a piece of dog ****, one farts and the other says "do you mind, i`m eating"

 

that should be wild not mild!

 

thor

The Norse god of war Thor is tired of Valhalla and fancies a few jollies down on earth, so down he comes and goes to Japanese Whispers (you can tell how long it is since I've been out round tarn!). Anyway he finds a nice bit of fluff and it's an instant attraction, they just look into each others eyes and that's it. They don't even speak, it's just tongues down each others throats and back to hers for some rumpy. Anyway he nailed her every which way you can for a whole week, without ever saying a word to her, but once the week was up he thought he'd better introduce himself, so he says "Hi, I'm Thor", to which she replies...

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Thor! You're thor? I'm tho thor I can't eve pith!