Please please everyone who knows any Leeds jokes can you add it to this thread

I need some ammo for when I get to work tomorrow

 

just tell them

with a serious expression, to enjoy their trips to Northampton, Crewe, Gillingham, Carlisle etc

 

A man desperate at Leeds' current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Leeds kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Leeds kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

 

Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a deceased young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Derby hat over one breast. The second guy, a Leicester City fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Leeds fan then placed his hat over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Derby hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the City hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Leeds fans hat, put it down, then picked it up again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Leeds fan was a bit irritated and he asked, "Why do you keep picking up that hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?". The coroner responded with a wry smile, "Son, I can't figure this one out. Usually when I come across one of these Leeds hats, there's an arsehole under it."

 

It's with great sadness that I report that Elland Road was broken into last night. The entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. West Yorkshire police are believed to be looking for a man with a green carpet.

 

There's a rumour that for next season, Leeds have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

 

a real joke...

a class of small children are asked by their teacher to stand up and describe the jobs of their fathers. The usual are outlined: shopkeeper, policeman, soldier....

then, Billy gets up and says, "My dad dresses up as a woman, then takes those clothes off for money in front of other men. If he gets a lot of money from a particular man, he sometimes has sex with him."

the teacher was obviously concerned at this, so he takes Billy outside and asks if his dad is really paid for sex by other men.

Billy replies, "No, but I just didn't want to tell everyone that he played for Leeds."

 

I'm glad to report that a new white Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year. It will be called "Laughing Stock".

 

wait until you get into a lift with one of them...

then ask politely 'Going down?'

 

When dennis wise has sex with his wife, why does she always go on top?</p>

Because dennis can only **** up.</p>

 

Denis Wise walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Wise "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Master Bates for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Denis
The receptionist replies "Well Denis, it says on your record that you're a useless ******...."

 

Q: What's is the difference between Pamela Anderson and the Leeds goalkeeper?
A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her

 

How did you enjoy your holiday in Israel?'
'Smashing!'
'Did you visit the Wailing Wall?'
'Tried to, but I couldn't get anyway near it for Leeds supporters!'

 

Whats the difference between the HMS Royal Ark and Leeds United?</p>

The HMS Royal Ark wont be visiting Hartlepool harbour in the next 12 months.</p>

 

not a joke

but a neat pic for email or mobile phone:</p>

[img=http://nickspage.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/wise.jpg] </p>

 

apparently Uswitch.com has been inundated by Leeds fans

Yoooooooou gotta switch</p>

</p>

</p>

 

The Leeds squad sat down in their hotel for their pre-match meal. The waitress went up to Denis Wise to take his order. "Sirloin steak please" said Denis.

"Fine, sir" she replied, "and what about the vegetables?"

"It's OK, they can decide for themselves"

 

At the post match press conference Denis Wise was answering questions.

"Well, there're white, small and round" Denis explained "and they rattle around in a little box"

"There're useful against garlic and cigarette breath"

"Sorry Denis" said the reporter "I meant could you explain your tactics"

 

Master Bates lies dead in the road, his body mangled beyond recognition, the victim of a hit-and-run accident. Down the road lies the remains of a poor, dead dog, also the victim of a hit-and-run accident and also mangled beyond recognition. How do you tell the difference?

There are skid marks in front of the dog

 

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:

1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."

4th surgeon says "I prefer Leeds fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."