R.Tiverton cheers up for a bit

It is yesterday ( Saturday ) morning.

Maureen and Monkey are so worried that R.Tiverton is still refusing to get up that they have rung Dr.De Zeuww's Football Therapy Centre to ask for a home visit.



Maureen : He has been lying there for 2 weeks now clutching Simon Davey's shoelace and muttering to himself.

Dr.De Zeuww : Well I've been very busy all week prescribing anti-depressants to Barnsley fans. Time will be the best healer.

Monkey : That's what you said about Ronni's "Davey OUT" Tourettes Syndrome and you were right about that. It's completely cleared up now.

Dr.De Zeuww : He just needs a bit of a distraction to get him through the next week or two.

I decide to step in and remind R.Tiverton that it is the day of our village show here on the edge of Derbyshire where we live. He has been cultivating sweet peas all summer just so he can take part in this event, it is time we mingled more with the locals.




R.Tiverton : What are you putting in the show ?

Me : The Captain Blade teddy that Sean Bean gave Ronni Jamal.

R.Tiverton : That sounds like cheating ! I thought all the handicrafts were supposed to be your own work !!

Me : Shhhh, it's just a soft toy !

R.Tiverton : Well I think I could do a good job of pretending to be a soft toy, give me 40p to enter and I won't tell them about you cheating.

I hand over 80p. Fortunately the deedar at the desk heard none of this conversation as he is wondering why there is a vase of sweet peas on the handicrafts table.





Hours later I return to pick him up.

R.Tiverton : Hi, I didn't win and neither did Barnsley, I can see by the look in your eyes.

Me : You are right, 1 - 0 to Watford and didn't sound good either.

R.Tiverton has been beaten by a hideous ragdoll, a knitted creation that looks like it is meant to be a miner and a reasonably nice looking mouse creation. I ask him what happened when the judges came round.

R.Tiverton : Well it was a really ancient deedar lady and she had lost her glasses she looked at me and said ****ing dingle inbred b******ds what are they doing entering our lovely village show ! How can they sew with 6 fingers on each hand ? So I stuck my tongue out at her.

Me : Right, well your sweet peas won first prize anyway. Well done !

I diplomatically omit to tell him that his was the only entry in that category.

Me : We should have brought Sean Bean and entered him in the 'Humourous or strange vegetable' section.




Maureen : Well done R.Tivvy !

Ronni Jamal : Hahaha Tivtun's a chuffin soft toy ! Me, I'd win a prize for bein a reyt ard toy any day. Tivtun's a big girl doin flowers ! Puff !!

R.Tiverton : You could not stand still for five hours or refrain from shouting homophobic obscenities, you would be disqualified. I won £3, look.

None of the monkeys have ever had so much money all at once.

Monkey : Wooooooo!

And then R.Tiverton puts his pyjamas on and gets back under the duvet.

 

Thanks for that..... by the way....

has anyone ever told you, or your monkeys, that you're all completely loony?

 

RE: Thanks for that..... by the way....

Yes but we aren't the only loons round here. R.Tiverton said there were some very odd people at that show concerned mainly with the relative size of their marrows. Have they nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon ?