Song for Jay ...

‘Jay’ by Eminem

Chorus: Dido & Dirk

His tea's gone cold ‘cos he’s ont net
Posting loads er *****
He’s thrown his life out of the window
He has no mates at all
And even if he did they would be made up
Got his dole cheque in the post
He can’t do work – cos his back’s too bad, his back’s too bad


Dear Dale, I wrote but you still ain't here
I left my Mum’s address at the bottom – it was written dead clear
I sent two letters last season, you must not have got 'em
They probably got lost under your new sunbed or somethin’
Sometimes the postman rips my letters up to spite me
I bought a dog to get him – but it turned around to bite me
My girlfriend's name is Frank – you know ‘she’ really likes you
She used to watch Supermarket Sweep, but then you went to BBC 2
I read about your fake tan too – I’m really sorry
I had a friend whose tan job made him look just like Dean Gorre
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the Panto stuff you did, think it was Peter Pan
I got a room full of your posters and your patterned shirts
I tried to stuff your DVD up my anus but it really hurt
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest gay
This is Jay

{Chorus: Dido & Dirk}

His tea's gone cold ‘cos he’s ont net
Posting loads er *****
He’s thrown his life out of the window
He has no mates at all
And even if he did they would be made up
Got his dole cheque in the post
He can’t do work – cos his back’s too bad, his back’s too bad


Dear Dale, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have the time
I ain't mad - I just hope you got my pot of gloopy brine
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside Yorkshire telly
You didn't have to, but you could have signed your name across my very ample belly
Or you could have signed my parka – it’s 12 years old
I waited in the taxi rank for you for four hours and you just said, "Whooaa"
That's pretty shitty man – you really are my hero
I baked these fairy cakes for you – I used butter and Bero
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like leaving the house
Remember when we met in Thurnscoe – I was like a little mouse
But you said you’d write me - see I'm just like you in my style
I never buy hetro clothes neither; just leather shorts & tops that are sleeveless
I can relate to what you're saying on TV
So I pretend I’m on the sofa, I’m Elton John & you’re Kiki Dee
Cause I don’t really have much to do, apart from making cake
If we were in a two man train – I’d be at the back holding the brake
Sometimes I even cut you out of Hello magazine
I stick you to my harris & wish you were up to my spleen
See everything you say is great – the lottery was brill
Some people said that ‘Dale Winton is just over the hill’
But they don’t know you like I do Dale – no one can
Our voices sound the same & we’re camper than a van
You gotta call me mate, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Jay –
P.S. - We should bum together too

{Chorus: Dido & Dirk}

His tea's gone cold ‘cos he’s ont net
Posting loads er *****
He’s thrown his life out of the window
He has no mates at all
And even if he did they would be made up
Got his dole cheque in the post
He can’t do work – cos his back’s too bad, his back’s too bad


Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-My-Gay-Witch-Fans,
This’ll be the last time that I talk about your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two carrier pigeons; I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my shiny shirt I'm sending you, I hope you wear it
I'm in my 300 quid car right now, doing 20 in a bear outfit
Hey Dale, I drank a pint of milk stout, you dare me to sing?
You know the song ’White Christmas’, that was sung by Bing?
About him dreaming it was snowing like it used to do,
Well I just wanted your spoffy snow all over my poop chute
You could have saved me, Dale, you could have rescued me from Frank
Now it's too late – she’s only gone & got the mortgage papers from the bank
And all I wanted was to see your balls
I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall
I love you Dale, we coulda been together, every day
You ruined it now, I’ve even thrown my Winton doll away
Cos when I blew it up I used to dream about you & scream about you
I hope your conscience eats at you and you can't mince without me
See Dale; {*screaming*} Shut up bitch! I'm tryin to talk!
Hey Dale, that's my Dalmation screamin in the trunk
I didn't hang her by her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
Cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the M1 bridge now
Oh ****, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send the shiny shirt out?
{*car tires squeal*} {*CRASH*}
.. {*brief silence*} .. {*LOUD smash*}

{Chorus: Dido & Dirk}

His tea's gone cold ‘cos he’s ont net
Posting loads er *****
He’s thrown his life out of the window
He has no mates at all
And even if he did they would be made up
Got his dole cheque in the post
He can’t do work – cos his back’s too bad, his back’s too bad



[Winton]
Dear Jay, I meant to write you sooner but I just been loving
You said your girlfriend's name is Frank – does ‘she’ stick her entire thumb in?
Look, I'm really flattered you would make me cakes
You know - my favourite historical figure is Sir Francis Drake
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the Panto, I must have left
I must have had to wash the crusty spongle from my anal cleft
But what's this **** about me being over the fecking hill?
Just because my last part was as a walk by on The Bill
You got some issues Jay, I think you need some help
That skint bird from the body shop sells nice soap that’s made from kelp
And what's this **** about us meant to bum together?
Have you seen my skin? It’s like orange antique leather
I really think you and your girlfriend, Frank, need each other
And thanks for the address – I’ve sent a writ straight to your Mother
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you okay
Before your arse falls out – cos it’s not clever being gay
I wear tampons in my harris, to stop the seepage – but man
Why do you sound so wrong? Try to understand, that I put my voice on
I just don't want you to do some gay bear ****
I seen this one thing on the news a couple weeks ago that made me gip
Some homo-flair twunk was lashed and drove his car off the M1 bridge
And had his Dalmation in the boot, and he was spanking his purple lid
And in the car they found a shirt, who it was for they didn’t say …
Come to think about, his name was.. it was Jay.

Ballax!

 

tears in eyes. how much spare time do you have on your hands????!!

 

Tears?

Have you trapped your fingers in a piano or summat?

Wrote it at lunchtime whilst eating a beef sandwich.
It only took me 3 minutes.
If you don't include the other 51 minutes it took me.

 

one of your best yet

love it

 

Very funny.....

Dean Gorre line was a highlight.

 

Thats quality. The first letter is class.

 

crap.

 

Yay.

I expected '****' or 'toss'.

You off to the Bradford & Bintley stadium?

 

Still Gaz.

 

Agreed.

Ponty is a bald dicksplash knobsack virgin boy.

But Gaz is also a Baaarnsli bumbanger too.

You inbred bunch of w4nkpots.

 

No can do

working late buddy, but I shall be present for the Xmas games, and up for a visit to the Marriott if there's a whiff of some 'action'.

 

VERY impressive

Enjoy yourself with your harem this weekend .

 

Harem?

Nearest that ****** will get to a bird is when he takes Kes out.

Av teld thi ter shuddup thee narr.

All you Baaarnsli lot are genetic buffoons of the highest order.

 

RE: Harem?

I'm from Rotherham .

 

Ahhh.

You are very unfortunate.
You must have done something really terrible in a previous life to end up married to a Baaarnsli bloke.

I pity you.

Get down the A61 & find yourself a proper feller.

 

I doubt very much

That I'd be able to find a man as BIG as my hubby , sweety .

 

Are you sure?

Carib my name,
Carib by nature.

It's like a golf bag.

You are Rockys wife.
I'm Mr T.

 

Ah ,but

Rocky beat the **** out of Mr T ( or should I say Clubber Lang ) !!!
Anyway , enjoy yourself this weekend . Somerset won't know what's hit it !!!ff

 

Oh aye.

But I bet behind closed doors Clubber still nailed Rocky's bint.
She was gagging for it - you could tell.

They all want a bit of my black stuff.
It's like a pepper grinder you get in an Italian restaurant.

Will do cocker.
I think I might have a few pints of their bestest bitter.

 

Go drink Somerset dry , sweety .

But shouldn't you be dabbling in their cider/scrumpy ???