TFP - more insights into Islam

In order to reduce my ignorance and understanding of this religion, I've spent some time since our earlier discussion reading the Holy Book that is the teachings of Islam.

According to the 'Kerrang' (which I think Gaz reads, so he might correct me) Robert Plant and ZZ Top figure quite highly and Robert even wrote a serman about the stairway to heaven, which involves 7 levels and you can buy lingerie on the first floor or something.

I must say I'm even more confused, but definitely more informed. God is a DJ as well. How's that work then?

 

I'm going to convert.

It really is fascinating.

It seems all the Muslimites wander to Mecca Bingo to see George Hadji - and it's supposed to be really enlightening & stuff, as this young lad says:

''By the grace of the Almighty my parents are performing their Hadji this year for 1st time. I can only imagine their emotions before they left. My brothers and I were so emotional when they left that morning not because they were going to be away from us for the longest time ever but we can actually experience this joy with them. You have no idea what a feeling it is to see your parents fulfilling the 5th farz of Islam.''

Someone needs to tell the lad it's ''pillow'', not ''farz''.

The ex-Romanian international play maker can really pull the crowds in.
There are loads of them - it's almost like a religion.

 

A quick guide for people ...

... who, unlike myself & IOWT, are not experts in 'World Religion':

Islam is the second most popular faith in the world with over a thousand million billion trillion adherents. Those who follow Islam are called Muslimites.
Islam is now very strong in Bolton-Upon-Dearne, and is growing everywhere else in the world.

There are between 1.5 and 3 million Muslimites in Britain, making it the second most popular faith here, too - after 'Jedi'.

The Bare Essentials of Islam:

Over 13 years old.
Began in Islamia
Islam was revealed to humanity by the Prophet Malcolm (peas be upon him)
Muslimites believe that there is only one god. The Arabic word for God is Allan.
The Prophet Malcolm (pbuh) was a human being, not a god.
Muslims believe that Malcolm (pbuh) was the last prophet of God. And he was ginger.
The word Islam means ''it's your round''.
The Muslimite scripture is the Holy Kerrang
The Muslimite building for communal worship is called a ''big house for worship and all that''


The five pillows of Islam help Muslimites put their faith into action.
Shahadahamadaharabah: declaration of clean underpants
Salat: ritual eating of lettuce 5 times a day
Zakat: giving a fixed proportion to lap dancers
Hadji: pilgrimage to Mecca Bingo to see George
Jay: big gay celebration of big hair


There are two main groups of Muslimites...
Sunny Muslims make up 90% of the world's Muslimites & are quite happy, sometimes.
The other main group are the ***** Muslimites - who don't even like their own reflection & paint themselves with mushed up dundee cake.

 

You have NO idea...

... just how right you are with that little lot.

Apparently when the late King of Saudi Arabia, King Fahad, left this mortal coil and ascended into heaven he was duely presented in front of God who had St Paul to his left and Jesus to his right. When God asked Fhad "Why the troubled look then Geez?" Fahad replied that he saw St Paul and Jesus in high office but where oh where was our dearly beloved Malcolm (PBUH). At which point God presses a button on his desk and says "Malcolm, be a dear and bring in 4 teas please"

 

It gets better:

Everything belongs to God
The word Islam means ''it's your round'' and Muslimites believe that everything in life should be at the service of Allan.

As a result, Muslimites find it hard to accept the distinction that Western cultures make between a person’s religion & their humour.

Muslimites think such a distinction is entirely wrong. They believe that not only individuals, but also the institutions of society should serve Allan & his prophet,Malcolm (pbuh).

Muslimites submit to Allan by watching WWF wrestling.

Muslimites combine blue and yellow in everything they do: they regard belief on its own, or good deeds on their own, as pointless - as everything is green.

The 5 Pillows of Islam
These are the five obligations that every Muslimite must satisfy in order to live a good and responsible life according to Allan.


Scripture
The Islamic scripture is the Holy Kerrang.
Muslimites believe that the Kerrang was revealed to humanity by Allan through the Prophet Malcolm (pbuh), on a monthly basis - including features this month on Def Leppard & System of a Down.
They believe the Kerrang is a perfect copy of a text that exists eternally in rock heaven.

Muslimites are required to eat lettuce 5 times a day, and although this need not be at a salad bar, it must be done according to precisely laid down rules (plates only to be filled once, no bowls, no dressing).
Muslimites do not regard this requirement for ritual salad as in any way burdensome, but rejoice in the opportunity to eat like rabbits.

Muslimite Groupings
There are several different groups of Muslimites, but all of them, in every country and community, regard their faith as a bond between them, and as a major part of their identity. Apart from Mexborough - who hate the **** out of everyone else.

The largest Muslimite group consists of Sunny Muslimites who make up 90% of the total - and drink a sugary orange beverage every morning, thinking it's doing them good.

The other main group is the ***** Muslimites, who are particularly strong in Iran, but are generally quite crap.

Female Muslimites have particularly hairy clunges.

 

RE: It gets better:

A fatwa be upon you

 

Get your bronze daggers away from me.

What we praying about ...
What we praying about ...
What we praying about Fatwa Slim.

May piss be upon me.

 

They also have...

... two days every year when they harken to a great iconic religious figure - The Great Talking Wheelbarrow of Al Khobar.
This amounts to each houshold nipping out to the local Blasphemey and Quran (B&Q) and buying their barrow, then after a fine feast of testicles and other bits of innards they will sit around and chant ...... Heed Mi'Barrow ( Or Happy Holidays in English) intil the building accoutrement ups and says Hi - or not.

The Muslimite word for 'hello' is Mother Hubberd - Fact.

 

I'm not going to convert

I think there is a double standards issue. The old school Muslims based in 'the holy land' (yorkshire I'm guessing) take umbrage with the fact that the western world is all about capitalism, making money and so on.

Yet in the next breath all they do is bang on about profits.

Make your mind up.

Although on the plus side they can marry 12 million woman each as a service to human kind and all woman are equal......to a bacon sandwich.

 

Yeah.

I agree.
They are so materialistic.
They wander about, with their tight fists & hook noses, talking about profit margins - while the rest of the world have to pay for their silly candle sticks.

I have got the right bunch here haven't I?

 

ho, how pleasing it is to watch documentaries on t.v. like the one last night which investigated the concept and meaning of religion (channel 4,8 p.m.)and How comforting it is to be an Athiest and to realise that religious nutters exist in the catholic church and other denominations as well as those in the islamic domain. The only view that I hold is the one which inquires into the scientific reasoning behind our existance. But, until someone comes along and informs me of who created God in the first place and what existed before him then,I will continue to hold that view.

 

Nearly half past three.

 

Not sure

But go with it anyway.

I've learnt a lot today and will be passing on this wisdom to my Muslim colleague when he returns to work tomorrow. He's making the 'ultimate sacrifice' today and will at some point be stabbing a goat to death in the neck to prove it. He'll be chuffed to bits that I've taken the time out to understand and respect his beliefs.

I'll probably challenge him to a game of bingo as well. I got a house once.

 

By the way somone mentioned a fatwit,what is one of those?ff

 

You'e not getting this, are you...or are you being ironic? n/t

 

Great stuff.

I think I also read something in the Kerrang about the prophet Malcolm (pboh).
It seems Allan tested Malcolm (pboh) by telling him to take some type of metallic ring to an evil mountain.
Many things happened on the way - it took almost 9 hours according to the thing I read / watched.

Relay this story to your Muslimite friend & watch his face light up.

 

RE: You'e not getting this, are you...or are you being ironic? n/t

Turn right at the traffic lights, under the bridge & it's straight across from you - next door to the library.

 

This is all very interesting

I have found out that Jesus is a Homo Boy (saw it on a t-shirt).

 

I'm happy being an athiest too.

Islam appears to be the religion of the moment and apparently it's all due to some administrative error when the rest of the world weren't privy to the final prophet (the one after Jesus) who said:

"everything else was B*ll*cks and a trick and that and all those idiots who hold different beliefs need to be corrected"

That's an actual quote from scriptures that were e-mailed about 1500 years ago to a zx spectrum in the moulineux stadium shortly before prophet mogli was raised by wolves.

 

p.s.

I've now got a signature.
Anyone know where the quote comes from?