The Best Joke You Have Ever Heard?

I havent a clue what is the best joke i have heard.

 

Sheffield Wednesday Will Be In Europe In 5 Years

Chris Turner

 

Yer i heard that one, i thought it was a good one!

 

RE: On A Similar theme - "Mourinho couldnt have done any better"

That one about the Irishman and the nun was the best I've heard but I can't for the life of me remember how it goes.

 

My signature, and this one about a trainee pilot

This trainee airline pilot is on his regular lesson. The instructor takes off, then the trainee takes over and tries several exercises at cruising altitude. He is doing fairly well and the instructor is impressed.

“Tell you what” says the instructor “you’re about ready to try a solo landing”.

“OK let’s go for it”, says the trainee.

So the trainee puts the plane into a slow descent and starts watching out for the airport and the runway. The plane descends gradually, and eventually the pilot sees the airport in the far distance. The plane glides further and further, and lower and lower.

Eventually the pilot can just about make out the runway. He begins to try to judge his angle of descent and speed to get it just right. Concentration causes his brow to furrow and he begins to feel somewhat apprehensive.

Lower and lower he flies, and the runway gets larger and larger in his field of view. The nearer and lower he flies, the more nervous he becomes. He begins to sweat a little and his face is tinged with fear.

The runway is now not far off at all. The trainee pilot is now shaking with fear, sweating profusely and if the truth be known he is shitting himself. The runway is just before him. Eventually he can keep quiet no more and turns to the instructor and says “You see that runway down there?”

“Yep” says the instructor

“It’s a bit short isn’t it?” says the trainee pilot.

“Ah yes” says the instructor “but look how wide it is!”

 

RE: On A Similar theme - "Mourinho couldnt have done any better"

I even had a Wendy fan at work trying to explain that one....it still wasn't working!

 

A few for you here:

What's the difference between and essex girl and an essex boy? The girl has a higher sperm count

 

whats the difference between a women in the bath and a nun? ones got hope in her sole ...

 

whats the difference between a gold ball and the g-spot? A bloke will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball

 

Cheif Executive on Radio Dee Dah yesterday

Explaining the increase in Season Ticket prices. At Sheffield Wednesday we believe our fans should get 'value for money' He also mentioned that they had a choice which was to go and watch The Blunts

 

After getting a job at the income tax office, a young financial hotshot is given his first assingnment: auditing a rabbi. Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have some fun. 'rabbi' he begins, "what do you do with all the drippings from the candles?" " well" said the rabbi "we send them to the cnadle factory and every once in a while the send us a free candle" "and what do you do with the crumbs from your table" asks the taxman. The rabbi looks at him suprised " well, we send them to the matzo ball factory and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls." nodding the young man asks " so tell me, what do you do with the foreskins from circumsisions? by now the rabbi had had enough. "well we send them to the tax office and every one in a while they send us a little ***** like you.

 

I've never been to a cnadle factory.

 

Donny are bigger than Barnsley..................

 

Chill art

one wrong letter in a whole block or text is quite good i think

 

I bet you've not been to a candle factory either though eh?!

 

Not recently mate

 

Irish Jokes are the best, they arn't racist are they ?

I just got an Irish Comedian tape.

Murphy, long time no see. Was it you or your Brother that got run over last year.

They call my Mother in Law 'The Exorcist' cos take her to a party and she clears all the spirits.

Paddy rings the garden centre. Can you send me a ton of Manure and don't send any of that **** you sent me last time

My brother has a good job. He has 500 people under him. Must have a lot of qualifications, no he mows the grass in the Cemetry.

 

not the best, but...

...My wife has left me for a midget. I never knew anyone could stoop so low.

...A letter came through the door the other day. It had 'Do not bend' written on it. I thought '****! How am I going to pick that up then?'.

...I got to work this morning and someone had left a lump of plasticine on my desk. I didn't know what to make of it.

...Why don't the Chinese gamble? They hate Tibet.

 

Mmmmm FHM by any chance?