The Life of Hemsie - an alternate view of Saturday

Hemsie's Mother: Who are you?

Wiseman: I am Wiseman. I have come from Gibraltar. I wish to praise the true fan. I must pay a homage to him.

Hemsie's Mother: Homage? You're all drunk! Is this Mad Friday? Out! Come on, out!

Wiseman: I must see him, I have brought presents!

Hemsie's Mother: Out!

Wiseman: Shirt, shorts and socks!

Hemsie's Mother: A Barnsley kit?! What are you giving him that for? He likes German football!

Wiseman: By what name are you calling him?

Hemsie's Mother: Uhm, Hemsie.

Wiseman with BBS chorus: We worship you, oh Hemsie, who are lord over us all. Praise unto you, Hemsie, and to Glavin, our father. Amen.

Female Members of BBS:
Hemsie, the fan they called Hemsie,
he knew, he knew, and knew,
knew more than me, knew more than me,
a fan called Hemsie. A fan called Hemsie,
he had a computer, and monitor, and keyboard, and mouse,
the fan whose name was Hemsie.

And he knew, he knew, knew, and knew,
knew more than me, yes, he knew more than me,
yes, his name was Hemsie, a fan called Hemsie.
And his knowledge was spotty, yes, his knowledge was spotty,
and his posts did not flow,
and hairs started to grow, on young Hemsie and so,
he did not know girls this fan named Hemsie.

LEEDS P.M. ABOUT 2:30

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

Leeds tannoy: How blessed are those who know that he's from Elland Road. How blessed are the Whites; they shall find promotion. How blessed are those of Leeds United; they shall have the Championship for their possession.

Hemsie's Mother: Speak up!

Hemsie: Ssh, quiet, mum!

Hemsie's Mother: Well, I can't hear a thing. Let's go to the stoning!

Unknown man (possibly Whitey): Don't sit in my seat!

Unknown woman (possibly Jamdrop): Don't sit in my seat!

Hemsie: I wasn't going to sit in your seats. I was squeezing by.

Woman: You were going to sit there!

Hemsie: I wasn't!

Man: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

Hemsie's Mother: Oh, come on, let's go to the stoning!

Hemsie: All right.


Hemsie's Mother: Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.

Hemsie: Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?

Hemsie's Mother: It's in the BBS rules, that's why.

Gally: Hassell, formerly of Mansfield...

Hassell: Do I say yes?

Gally: Yes.

Hassell: Yes!

Gally: ...you have been found guilty by two managers of uttering the name of your position, and so as a blasphemer...

Fired & Calgary Tyke disguised as bearded men: Ooh...

Gally: ...you are to be stoned to death!

Fired & Calgary Tyke: Aah!

Hassell: Look, I was watching Sky Sports News, and all I said to my wife was: "That Danny Wilson will see I am good enough for right back!".

Fired & Calgary Tyke: Oooh!

Gally: Blasphemy! He said it again!

Fired & Calgary Tyke: Yeah! Yes! Yes!

Gally: Did you hear him?!

Fired & Calgary Tyke: Yeah! Yes! Yes! Really!

Gally: Are there any women here today?

Fired & Calgary Tyke: Uh...ooh...no...

Gally: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me...

A rock is thrown at Hassell.

Gally: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on!

Fired & Calgary Tyke: She did! She did! He did! He did! He did!

Hassell: Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "right back"!

Gally: You're only making it worse for yourself!

Hassell: Making it worse? How could it be worse? Right back, right back, right back!

Gally: I'm warning you! If you say right back once more...

A rock is thrown at Gally.

Gally: Come on! Who threw that?

Fired & Calgary Tyke: She did! She did! She did! Him! Him! Him!

Gally: Stop! Stop! Will you stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say right back!

Rocks are thrown at Gally and a large boulder crushes him.

Fired & Calgary Tyke: [Applause]

 

and then came one of the one in ten

from now on I want to be called Loretta'

why said dekparker

because I want to have babies' said one in ten,

but you cant have babies,wheres the featus going to gestate,you gonna keep it in a box, said dekparker.

 

What a strange world you've recently chosen to live in.

Keep it up, I'm starting to get the hang of them

 

On an effort to laugh ratio, I give it a Dave Regis.

 

A bit of a Monty Python fan I take it? I blame Fired - (s)he would throw the first stone - always the trouble-causer