TM's Ten Pieces of Advice for a Successful Life for a young man.

1) If you have a laptop at home, change the settings to "automatically delete browsing history on shutting down".
2) Don't bother pretending come Spring/Summer that "I might not bother with a season ticket next season". You will always renew when it comes to the crunch.
3) Never sleep with a woman who weighs more than you do.
4) Never judge a book by its cover; unless it says "Twilight" on the front, in which case you can safely assume that it's an absolute and total bag of utter *****.
5) Never get into a relationship with anyone under 30 years old. Just don't bother; they know nowt.
6) Put that fu-cking mobile phone away. It's proper rude and it makes you look like a di-ck.
7) And pull your jeans up to your arse while you're at it. Or at the minimum wear some decent undercrackers.
8) When a girl tells you that you look like someone famous, it's a definite come-on and you are game on. Unless that famous person is Dean Gaffney.
9) You can learn everything you need to know about politics and football by just reading Tyrone's posts on this board and taking the exact polar opposite opinion.
10) Don't worry about petty squabbling about Premiership teams and getting upset about United/City/Liverpool. Just focus all your hatred on Leeds United.

No need to thank me.

 

I live my life by all of those except number 3.

And, apparently, I look like Ewan McGregor. But she was 21 and 25 stone so it didn't happen.

 

Are you ure she didn't say Iwan Roberts?

 

Definitely. I had mi teeth in.

She did say when he played Renton but we'll skip over that.

 

or Alf Roberts!

 

Dyson wakes up after a night out and surveys his "conquest" from the night before:

 

I'd like to try number 3 before I die

Although I think I'd better lose some weight first because I don't fancy doing it with anyone over 15 stone.

I almost did at Uni, but I was only about 11 stone at the time. Copped off with a really good looking lass and she was quite big. She invited me round for tea and to watch some videos the next night, but I completely forgot and didn't turn up. She wasn't all that bothered about seeing me again after that. Maybe I dodged a bullet, but she's provided me with a few good wnaks over the years.

Hi kids.

 

11) why bother running for that empty space behind that revolving door with your shopping trolly because another one will be here any second....

 

Dean Gaffney

When we were at Uni we had Dean Gaffney's phone number. And Gary Willard's as well. Used to phone them up when ****ed. Gaffney got very offensive one time. As did Gary Willard's wife.

 

Never insult Facebook on here (who all w@*** over pics of their Mums)

The cnuting fcuknuts.

 

Re: I'd like to try number 3 before I die

Number 3 says - never do it with a woman that weighs more than you, you sound like you want to do that.

 

Re: Never insult Facebook on here (who all w@*** over pics of their Mums)

That is a higher level of insulting. Like (in a cnuting Facebook fcuknuts kind of way).

 

Best swearing ever...

courtesy of Malcolm Tucker from The Thick Of It responding to a knock at the door:

"Come the **** in or **** the **** off"

 

genius

 

Re: I'd like to try number 3 before I die

Its only fat if you need to prop the belly out the way with with some books to get in.

 

quality

 

Feels like I'm on the bbs circa 2008, the hartog set at it's best

Top quality post... Best in ages

 

****, I'm well fucqued then.

 

Re: Best swearing ever...

Prefer the one I overheard in town once...."**** me, I'm fecking fecked!"