Told in a Tommy Cooper Stylee

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china
in my hand."

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.

My mate asked me
"What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you
paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the
offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."



"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".




I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road."



A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been
in?"
Barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?"

 

and is fatter

slobbers more and is generally more like Jabba wearing darth Mauls war paint

 

I have a life

can't read every thread

 

1/100 for bbs commitment

I'm rubbish I am

Went shopping on Satdi rather than knowing was was happening darn sarf

 

There are times...

I wish I'd never stumbled on this 'oil

 

Amongst others aye