UK Complaint letter of the year - PMSL

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on. Complaint Letter of the Year. A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....) </p>

Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. </p>

Please allow me to provide specific details, So that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&amp;H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office: My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. </p>

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. </p>

I estimate your Internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don&rsquo;t care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. </p>

Forgive me, Therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god- awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn&rsquo;t anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of Barstewards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom &ndash; wnakers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. </p>

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very ambo diment of my feelings to wards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of t***s.</p>

John </p>

 

Quality!!!! nt

 

Bloody moaning minnie n.t nt

 

Yeah I pissed myself...

</p>

In 2001</p>

When I first read it. </p>

 

NTL's response

Dear Sir,</p>

Thankyou for taking the time to write your eloquent letter and thank you so much for the cat excrement. Oh how we laughed in the office when we opened the letter.</p>

People like you make me sick to the back teeth, you speak as though you know more about the telecoms industry that I do,a person whohas 2 months experience in the sector at Ventura.</p>

I can assure you that I want the same things, and I am passionate about getting issues sorted quickley and efficiently however your letter smacks of arrogance so I will retort in exactly the same manner, so there. Ner Ner Ner!</p>

Anyway if you don't like our product then please **** off back to BT where I am sure they will give you the sevice that you require. I really could not give a flying turd about your money because we don't need it. We, NTL are the largest company in the world behind BT and most other telecoms companies but what the hey, I'm just not bothered.</p>

All the best</p>

Terry Nutkins</p>

PR Expert</p>

NTL</p>

</p>

*this is not a true reply and NTL never responded to the initial letter.</p>

</p>

 

I'm seeing what you've done there

You probably need to have a little think about whether it was worth it

 

RE: I'm seeing what you've done there

What do you reckon about the state of Yorkshire creekit? Byas, Wood, Lehmann, Mcgrath and Blakey all gone. Worra shambles.

 

Its a joke

Club in turmoil.</p>

No money in the coffers and Geoff Boycott on the committee.</p>

A recipe for disaster and relegation beckons.</p>

</p>

 

RE: Its a joke

apparantly Adams "shat it" according to one senior player. They then panicked and offered Mcgrath a two year deal and Blakey a one year. How are they supposed to build a team of kids from scratch in two years?

 

Bit of a shambles

Depends very much on Donald. If he gets the job then I'll look forward to the season.

Apart from Rashid, there is a worrying lack of suntanned players on the books. Why is it still that the asian communities are not feeding the squad ?

 

And if any of the board are reading this.........

I don't mind a phone call the day before a game, and my Duncan Fearnley 405 might need a lick of linseed, but is otherwise ready for action

 

RE: Bit of a shambles

I think there's a batsman who's highly rated. Not sure about Donald, his record for Warks 2nds was shocking and had a baaad attitude according to "insiders"

He probably got frustrated dealing with ***** players.

 

Warks twos wouldn't inspire him me thinks

But give him free reign with our lot and he might shake things up

Particularly if he brings Pollock and Kallis with him

 

by the way.........

yer man played first grade at the weekend..... against my local team as it happens... I wouldha gone up had I known.

Anyway they were shot out for just over a hundred and he got 4. He did bat at 4 and that, I think, is a good testimony, even though his team is generally one of the weaker ones in the comp.

I have offered him 2k per month. (that was the amount was'nt it) He's going to get back to me. I think he'll take it.

 

Ha - he wants to come over with the wife which might be a stumbling block

Unless she's fit as ****.</p>

Thats your next scouting mission Mick. This is what it all rests on as he is more than likely going to be stopping with me.</p>

I found out the other day that he calls himself 'the Brett Unit' which leads me to believe he's a right bellend.</p>

If you do hear of any others at Grade standard that want to sample the Barnsley nightlife and a game with us then let me know mate. We obviously offer a fair package. We are preferably looking for a spinner.</p>

TIA</p>

 

RE: Ha - he wants to come over with the wife which might be a stumbling block

I'll think about that.... but cricket is not in my usual orbit.

What is the target, like..........eg single, spinner/batsman, early twenties, first grade. what is the deal, like...... how much, training committment?, etc ( I don't really understand what I should asking) maybe PM me if you are talking money n'stuff.

I'll see it tomorrow........ (get down to Queens Ground thurs)

 

Are you over on Thursday? nt