DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your > >>>>favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply >think > >>>>of another song you like and hum that instead. > >>>> > >>>>· CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD >viewers > >>>>by having a p**s before the film starts. > >>>> > >>>>· RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the > >>>>time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. > >>>> > >>>>· DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid >having > >>>>your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags >along > >>>>with your old bank statements. > >>>> > >>>>· WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night > >>>>drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to > >>>>bed to remove the stains. > >>>> > >>>>· SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court > >>>>martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint. > >>>> > >>>>· MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up >and > >>>>post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. > >>>> > >>>>· BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right > >>>>arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case >they > >>>>set one of their dogs on you. > >>>> > >>>>· EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately >tossing > >>>>half the CVs into the bin. > >>>> > >>>>· MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the > >>>>sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This > >>>>will save your wife from having to do it. > >>>> > >>>>· GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to > >>>>yourself by Royal Mail. > >>>> > >>>>· BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the >impression > >>>>that a very small horse is approaching. > >>>> > >>>>· BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing > >>>>something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. > >>>> > >>>>· ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness. > >>>> > >>>>· DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, >beep > >>>>your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car >start > >>>>and send them on their way. > >>>> > >>>>· PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply > >>>>moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. >In > >>>>the morning, simply move it all back again. > >>>> > >>>>· CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. >All > >>>>the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. > >>>> > >>>>· DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry >for > >>>>help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. > >>>> > >>>>· MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone > >>>>whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the > >>>>police will think you are listening to the sea. > >>>> > >>>>· SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. > >>>> > >>>>· SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by > >>>>standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your > >>>>watch and occasionally glancing inside. > >>>> > >>>>· BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by >popping > >>>>the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly >60 > >>>>mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out >the > >>>>pan. > >>>> > >>>>· ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. > >>>>Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. > >>>> > >>>>· McDONALD's: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so > >>>>they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of >car > >>>>windows. > >>>> > >>>>· WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking o*gasms. Most men couldn't > >>>>give a s **t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the > >>>>house after wards
