VIZ TOP TIPS. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. Your allegiance is now clear to all. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stards. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning! Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in > an amusing manner. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment rom the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings. Horror film directors - need zombies for extras? Don't waste money on expensive make-up /studio time. Just be in Gatwick Arrivals and film the passengers off the Sydney charter flight.
