Monkey has to scrub the whole kitchen clean after helping me make mince pies. I have made him do this as he deliberately sneezed a cloud of icing sugar into the air that has settled in a dusty, sticky coating on every surface. He has made little progress when two Ugly Celebrity Barnsley fans appear. Dickie Bird : Hehe. We have been invited to the BBC's Celebrity Fan of the Year Ball and you haven't ! Ian MugMillan : When we walk out this door, You'll still be scrubbin' all this floor, Whereas I am a proper celebriteeee, Because I have been on the TeeVEEEEE ! Monkey sighs and gets on with his scrubbing but then he has an idea. Inside the cupboard he finds....... ..........the magic Davey lamp so he gives it a little rub. WHOOOOOOOOOSSSSHH !! Julian : Hello ! I am your fairy godmother and I grant you three wishes. Monkey (chortling at Julian's fairy dress ) : OK, No.1, I wish Iain Hume to be back playing for Barnsley F.C. asap. Julian : OK Monkey : No.2, Barnsley F.C. to finish at least 14th in the Championship and No.3 erm, erm..... Julian : How about World Peace or an end to poverty or.... Monkey : No, I think I would like to go to the BBC's Celebrity Fan of the Year Ball please. Julian : But you are only wearing fake replica kit. You will need a gown and I can only let you stay until midnight. Remember, when the clock strikes twelve you must leave ! Monkey : Why do I have to wear a dress ? Julian : It's a pantomime - all the dudes dress up as babes and all the babes dress up as dudes. Monkey : Why ? Before Julian can answer Monkey sets off following a trail of gingerbread crumbs left by Ian MugMillan. On the way he meets that funny little man again and stops for a laugh. Brian Laws : Pig for sale, PIG FOR SALE ! Who will buy my little piggy ? I'm not asking for 5 magic beans, not even 4, I will accept just one magic bean for my lovely little piggy wiggy and the rest of my club. Half a bean ? Monkey : No thanks !! Next, Monkey sees three wise men and stops to listen. Patrick : The audience for this pantomime is a bit small. Don : Well I said no-one could buy tickets unless they could produce three away pantomime stubs. Simon : Anyway, we must follow that bright light over yonder for I have brought a present for the special child. Monkey follows the bright light. R.Tiverton : Look Slebbitty Daddy. I got this light and moved it about a bit and all these people gived me presents ! Wooooo ! Look, three shepherds gived me a talking sheep ! Sheep : BAAAAAAAAArnsley ! BAAAAAAAAArnsley ! Monkey has to abandon his car and climb the stairs. He is going to be very late for the ball. A bit like Odejayi and headers. He sets off to sprint to the BBC but fails to notice that Ugo Hedgehog has stepped into his path. Monkey : Oouuuuuuuuuuuuch !!!! My foot ! Ugo : What do you mean YOUR foot ! You've just trodden on one of my other achilles tendons. I am crippled now !! The hedgehog is clearly hurt. Monkey didn't INTEND to hurt him but he has clearly acted VERY BADLY and THOUGHTLESSLY in regard to other peoples' well being. Monkey rings the Brambly Lane Hedgehog Rescue Centre and waits for them to come and collect Ugo. Monkey says SORRY profusely even though he knows it will incriminate him further. What will happen next ? Will Monkey make it to the ball ? Tune in tomorrow for Part 2 of "What a Pantomime !"
Brilliant Must stop reading your posts at work I get funny looks when bursting out laughing and its so hard to explain - Though not as hard as Harrow having to explain why he was looking at almost naked men just before Xmas