Made me laugh

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

Just bumped into a Chinese drug addict...
He asked “Have you seen my cocaine?”
I replied, “Not since he was in the Italian Job...”

 

I just got a new job as a street cleaner!

Turns out there’s not much training involved, you just pick stuff up as you go along.

 

Anybody missing these

 

Played football here in Turkey last night but the pitch was awful. It had loads of old bricks and bits of rubble in it. Anyway, we won 4-2......on aggregate!

 

A man is making love to his wife.
He is really banging her hard and she is groaning loudly.
Suddenly the man feels someone slapping his butt and realises it's not is wife.
He stops, looks around and it's his young son crying.
He tells the boy, hey I'm not hurting your Mummy, we are making you that little brother you want so bad.
So the boy smiles and the father takes him back to his room and tucks him in.
The next day the father comes home from work, the little boy is sitting on the steps crying.
The father asks, "What's wrong son?"
The little boy replies, "You know that baby brother you and Mummy were making?"
The father smiles and says, "Yes."
The little boy says, "Well forget it, the postman came over today and ate him!"

 

Well I'm totally pissed tonight and you know what? Looking at that picture, I would.

 

''Hello''

''Is that Mr Turner speaking?''

''Yes it is''

''This is Mr Jenks, Billy's music teacher at school''

''How can I help you Mr Jenks?''

''Just a quick call to let you know about Billy. It looks like you've got a little Elvis Presley on our hands.''

''Oh, what makes you say that?''

''We just found him dead on the toilet!!''

 

Here are a few from the test match page of Cricinfo:

Hedgehogs, why,can't they just share the hedge?

No matter how hard you push the envelope it is still stationery.

There's only 10 types of people, those that understand binary and those that don't

Sadly, all the good science jokes argon.

If no one likes your science jokes, keep telling them until you get a reaction.

Never forget that the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps tonight" is only a whim away.

As they are from the cricket website I'll duck while I'm ahead.

 

[QUOTE
As they are from the cricket website I'll duck while I'm ahead.[/QUOTE]

Not rubbing your legs together then or have I got the wrong cricket?

 

Just got myself a Minestrone Cooper. It's like a normal Mini but souped up

 

My mate has needed a bone marrow transplant for the last 3 months. This afternoon he's flown to South America, they've found a match in Argentina, a retired sportsman, and he will have the transplant on Friday.
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.