Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I joined a gym last week. On my first visit, an instructor was showing me round. I asked him which machine I should use to make me look attractive to girls half my age. He replied "The ATM".
     
    Stahlrost, Nov 16, 2019
    #1141
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  2. Duntpasstome

    Duntpasstome Well-Known Member

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    I went to the doctors and asked for something for persistant wind.
    He gave ma a kite.

    Les Dawson
     
    Duntpasstome, Nov 16, 2019
    #1142
  3. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    F094843A-8853-4B76-B4AA-2E75BBBF74FF.png
     
    Connor, Nov 17, 2019
    #1143
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  4. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Connor, Nov 17, 2019
    #1144
  5. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Connor, Nov 17, 2019
    #1145
  6. BrunNer

    BrunNer Well-Known Member

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    Punchline needs some work.
     
    BrunNer, Nov 17, 2019
    #1146
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  7. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Haha . Posted it before 9pm threshold so thought best to delete
     
    Connor, Nov 17, 2019
    #1147
  8. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    3EC8E002-F3E1-4D86-A7A6-182FA3472DDC.jpeg
     
    Connor, Nov 17, 2019
    #1148
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  9. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Just had a fifty parnd note tattooed on mi nob, r lass sez wot the foook, r said, for 1, i like to see mi money grow, for 2 i like to hold onto mi money, an play wi it, an when thar decides to go art an blow 50 parnd, tha can stay home an do it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2019
    Winker, Nov 18, 2019
    #1149
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  10. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    Found this massive spider in our living room yesterday. My wife said "please don't kill him, just take him out". So I did. We had a few pints, a curry and a good old chin wag. He was really good company, told me all about his brill job as a web designer.
     
    Stahlrost, Nov 19, 2019
    #1150
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  11. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    I got fired when I asked a customer if they wanted smoking or non- smoking
    Apparently the correct terms were ‘ cremation’ and ‘burial’
     
    Durkar Red, Nov 19, 2019
    #1151
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  12. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Got in last neight r lass sez help me with mi dieting, T'day i got a reight foookin for hiding her Teeth, fat fooooka.
     
    Winker, Nov 20, 2019
    #1152
  13. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    How do you organise a party in outer space?


    You planet.
     
    MarioKempes, Nov 20, 2019
    #1153
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  14. shed131

    shed131 Well-Known Member

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    Many years ago whilst training to be a sales rep the manager gave me a right dressing down for failing to ask the customer if there was anything else we could help them with once they had made a purchase or not...
    As an example he said here in general stores if a customer asks do you have any nuts and bolts you would ask would you like any washers too thus attempting to make an extra sale.... he continued as I looked on rather puzzled... washers go hand in hand with nuts and bolts and are used for spaces..so.. always try to make that extra sale...now use your head lad...in fact..
    Look there's a chap there go practice your skills on him now
    So of I went to serve the gentleman..
    The guy in question wanted sanitary towels for his wife.. So being a quick learner I asked can I interest you in a lawn mower sir... The chap said no thanks paid for the said product and exited the shop
    Quick as a flash the manager fuming with rage stormed over to where I was stood and once again tore into me... Raising his voice he demanded... Why in God's name did you just ask that gentleman if he wanted a lawn mower with female sanitary products.... I replied well it was obvious from our discussion that he wasn't about to get his leg over this week... So I thought he'd have time on his hands to mow the grass.... Taxi
     
    shed131, Nov 21, 2019
    #1154
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  15. Old Goat

    Old Goat Well-Known Member

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    Marriage is like a game of cards.
    To begin with, you need two hearts and a diamond.
    In the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
     
    Old Goat, Nov 21, 2019
    #1155
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  16. arabian_ian

    arabian_ian Well-Known Member

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    I got left with the auld maid
     
    arabian_ian, Nov 21, 2019
    #1156
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  17. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    B370E323-8280-43B5-9052-C432DDEC649E.jpeg
     
    Durkar Red, Nov 22, 2019
    #1157
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  18. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    A vegan told me that butchers are gross.

    I said that I thought people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
     
    MarioKempes, Nov 23, 2019
    #1158
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  19. MarioKempes

    MarioKempes Well-Known Member

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    A horse walks into a bar and the barman asks "why the long face"?

    The horse, not being able to understand English, sh*ts on the floor and leaves.
     
    MarioKempes, Nov 25, 2019
    #1159
  20. Durkar Red

    Durkar Red Well-Known Member

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    Elon Musk and Bill Gates should get together and invent a cure for erectile dysfunction.
    They could call it ElonGates
     
    Durkar Red, Nov 29, 2019
    #1160
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