Xmas related jokes required please...

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Tarntyke, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. Tarntyke

    Tarntyke Well-Known Member

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    we’re having a bit of a competition at work for the best and worst Xmas related jokes. Given that I regularly ply my team with jokes from the ‘Made me laugh thread’ I ‘ve been tasked with submitting a selection of good and bad ones. Any help much appreciated. I’ll let you know when I’ve made my selections and In order to prevent the thread running for ever and also not wanting to hijack the ‘ made me laugh thread. TIA
     
  2. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    Just seen a sign in the butchers... "Turkey £29" ...

    That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook!
     
  3. AthersleyRed

    AthersleyRed Well-Known Member

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    What do you get if you eat too many decorations?
    Tinselitis
     
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  4. Chr

    ChrisBFC Active Member

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    so bad it made me laugh
     
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  5. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    Theresa May is thinking of becoming a Jehovah's Witness.

    They don't have a party at Christmas either
     
  6. Tarntyke

    Tarntyke Well-Known Member

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    Needless to say that goes in the bad category
     
  7. Red

    Redblueunwhite Well-Known Member

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    What is Father Christmas's wife called?
    Mary Christmas!
     
  8. Tarntyke

    Tarntyke Well-Known Member

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    Sorry straight into room 101 with that one
     
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  9. tyk

    tykesfan Active Member

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    Bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it's not her main present, just a stocking filler.
     
  10. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Someone asked me this Christmas, on average how much would I spend on a bottle of wine?

    I reckoned about 20 minutes
     
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  11. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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  12. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    WHY WAS TERESA MAY SACKED AS NATIVITY MANAGER

    cos she cant run a STABLE GOVERNMENT
     
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  13. Red

    Redblueunwhite Well-Known Member

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    I think it should be Marrrry Christmas
     
  14. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    West Ham sing a Christmas song all year round

    I’m forever blowing baubles
     
  15. old

    old faithful Member

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    Three men were discussing what they had bought their wives for Xmas, the first one says "I bought mine a necklace and a scarf, then if she doesn't like the necklace she can cover it with the scarf." Next one says "I bought mine a ring and a pair of gloves, then if she doesn't like the ring she can cover it with the gloves." Final one says "I bought mine a hat and a vibrator, and if she doesn't like the hat she can go **** herself."
     
  16. Sim

    Simon De Montforte Well-Known Member

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    "Every time I see Cliff Richard he reminds me of Christmas"
    "Why, Christmas No 1's?"
    "No, he's got a neck like a turkey".
     
  17. JamDrop

    JamDrop Well-Known Member

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    What Christmas song is sung in the desert?

    Oh camel ye faithful.
     
  18. sap

    sapphire red Member

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    One snowman says to another snowman "can you smell carrots?
     
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  19. wal

    walestyke Active Member

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    Wife said get me something with diamonds so I got Her a pack of playing cards.
     
  20. scarf

    scarf Well-Known Member

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    A Russian couple, let's call them Mr and Mrs Merde Tete, were walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when Mr M.T. felt a drop hit his nose.

    “I think it's raining,” he said to Mrs M.T. "No, that felt more like snow to me, ” she replied. “No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. ” Let's not argue about it, ” M.T. said, “let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.” As the official approached, M.T. said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”

    “It's raining, of course, ” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2018

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