Xmas related jokes required please...

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Tarntyke, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. troff

    troff Well-Known Member

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    There’s all sorts wrong with this one...

    My auntie works in a chicken factory. It’s not well known outside of the industry that male chickens taste awful if they are slaughtered without ever ejaculating.

    Her job is to toss them off as they go past on the conveyor.

    Anyway, this time of year they stop chicken production and switch to turkeys - and the same applies.

    Today she was doing her job, when a particularly active turkey turned and mouthed at her ‘gobble gobble gobble’.

    ‘**** off, you can have a **** like the rest’ she replied...
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2018
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  2. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    Reight then, Father Christmas had just done his Christmas eve rounds. He was knackered, burst through the door n collapsed in his chair. what's up his missus said, what's up, WHAT'S UP he replied. I have just been all around the world in just 24 hrs & know one gives a ****. Just then there was a knock at the door, it was the Fairy Queen with a Christmas tree for Father Christmas, his missus says, now then love, some dose appreciate you, it's the fairy Queen with a Christmas tree. A Christmas fckin tree, tell her to go shove it up her ASRE.

    Think about.

    Now that you have....

    I'll get me n everyone else's coit
     
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  3. Duntpasstome

    Duntpasstome Well-Known Member

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    How did Joseph and Mary know that Jesus was 7 pound 2 once when he was born? They had a weigh in the manger.
     
  4. Skinner

    Skinner Well-Known Member

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    The Christmas tree bulbs went on strike and the Boss pleaded with them " please dont ALL go"
    The Christmas tree lights shop steward looked at the boss and said " its the way its always been,.... one out all out"

    Coit please
     
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  5. Tarntyke

    Tarntyke Well-Known Member

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    I blame myself
     
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  6. Jimmy viz

    Jimmy viz Well-Known Member

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    What did the snowman say to the snow woman?

    You’ve got snow balls.
     
  7. Old Goat

    Old Goat Well-Known Member

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    What kind of music do Santa's elves listen to?
    Wrap.
     
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  8. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    And that sir (or madam), wins you the internet.
     
  9. Prince of Risborough

    Prince of Risborough Well-Known Member

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    I prefer the other joke thread. These are just lame o_O
     
  10. Frans

    Frans Well-Known Member

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    How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

    Deep pan, crisp and even
     
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  11. How

    HowMuch! Well-Known Member

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    Woman goes into a sex shop and asks the assistant to show her their line in male blow up sex dolls .
    Certainly he says ......
    This is the Geoffrey Boycott -- Once you get him in you can't get him out .
    This is the Kevin Keegan -- He dribbles before he shoots .
    This is the Father Christmas -- He only comes once a year but when he does he fills your stockings .
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018
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  12. sapphire red

    sapphire red Active Member

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    My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds so I got her some bathroom scales,
    I`ve had to buy a widescreen tv cos she thinks sofas are £69.99
     
  13. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED Merry christmas evryone

    He laid her on the table, so white clean and bare,
    his forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her ere an there,
    he rubbed the neck and then the breast, and gently rubbed the thigh,
    the slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
    He looked inside, all dark and moist and murky,
    he rubbed his hands and stretched his arms,

    AND PROCEEDED TO STUFF THE TURKEY
     
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  14. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Three men die on XMAS eve and turn up at pearly gates, St Peter asks them to show something that symbolizes xmas.

    1st man pulls art a set of keys and sez they jingle like bells, St Peter lets him pass.

    2nd man pulls art a lighter, a candle he sez and St Peter lets him pass.

    3rd man fumbling through his pockets cums up wi a pair of knickers, St Peter asks wot do they symbolize, man replies their CAROLLS
     
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  15. RedStriker

    RedStriker Well-Known Member

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    there’s a little known reindeer on the back row called The Brown Nose Reindeer.
    It can’t stop as fast as the others
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018
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  16. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    What makes women like snowflake's

    1, they are all beautiful
    2, they are all different
    3, they are all shapes and size
    4, they can all be as cold as ice

    BUT ABOVE ALL THEY ALWAYS MELT WHEN THEY LAND ON MY FACE
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018
  17. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    I’ve had enough of Christmas.All year I work my fingers to the ******* bone
    to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning?
    That fat fcuker with the beard gets all the credit for it! Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
     
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  18. KamikazeCo-Pilot

    KamikazeCo-Pilot Well-Known Member

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    Why does Mrs Claus get sexually frustrated with Santa?
    He always insists on coming down the chimney...

    Sorry
     
  19. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Tarn Tyke, Tony Tyke, and Tykes, walking darn oakwell lane on xmas eve carrol singing, middle aged woman stood in porch wearing lingerie.

    Tykes sez im aving sum a that and proceeds to fornicate with the lady, tells other two how gud it was.

    So Tarn Tyke follows in the steps of Tykes, cant believe his luck and tells the other two how gud it was.

    So Tony Tyke as horny as hell sez ill av sum of that goes up to house knocks on door,

    The lady opens door and gives Tony Tyke a fiver.

    Tony Tyke disapointed sez wot abart the other, and Lady replies OH THAT, you can blame my Husband, he said give one a fiver and **** the other two

    OH OH OH MERRY XMAS
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2018
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  20. Winker

    Winker Well-Known Member

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    Cupid and Comet on a neet art wi Rudolf end up in a gay bar for Reindeer, end of neet Cupid sez to Comet i cant believe i BLEW 50 BUCKS in there.
    BOOM BOOM
     

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