Made me laugh

Wowski

 

True Love❤️❤️ I walked in to the Red Lion; there she was, dark skinned with highlights on top. I asked a friend is she would introduce us; she said she would but I had to give her £3:10 first. I handed over the cash and swept her off the bar, we have been together ever since. #JohnSmiths

 

A woman arrives home from work and her husband
notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He
asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my
bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the
women arrives home from work wearing a
diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did
you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a
raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start
dinner." The next day, her husband notices she
arrives home from work wearing a mink coat.
He
says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go
get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after
supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices
there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells
to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water
in the tub."
He replies, "I didn't want you to get
your raffle ticket wet."

 

A mushroom walks into a bar. “Sorry” says the bartender “we don’t serve your type in here”
“Why not?” said the mushroom “I’m a fungi”

 

A non binary gold prospector dug up a fortune in them/their hills.

 

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The A n E Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

Just remember, behind every angry woman..
There's a man with absolutely no ******* clue about what the hell he's done wrong.

 

Bacon cheeseburger anyone?

 

I've noticed a lot of people where I live seem to be wearing woolly jumpers. I never realised I was in such a close-knit community.

 

I tried donating blood today, never again. Too many stupid questions. “Whose blood is it?” “Where did you get it?” “Why is it in a bucket?”

 

Yer puddin.

 

Did you know that the man who invented the Ferris wheel and the man who invented the merry-go-round never actually met? They moved in different circles