Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

  1. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    BREAKING NEWS ........

    A local Vue cinema been robbed this morning and police are urging witnesses to come forward asap

    Two Gunmen have just escaped with an estimated total of over £1,530 in goods.

    It’s believed the men have made off with 4 hot dogs, 2 medium Pepsi, a family size popcorn and 3 bags of revels.
     
  2. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

    I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
     
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  3. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

    Marry it.
     
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  4. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

    Pays her off
     
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  5. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    A bloke sat in the armchair and called to his wife, "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you my love!"
    She shouted back, "You already do you lazy swine!!
     
  6. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    Paddy was bought a metal detector for Christmas.

    He went in his garden looking for treasure.

    He was 60 ft down & still digging until he realised he had his steel cap boots on......
     
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  7. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    4C123CB0-87C7-41EB-81FE-08AFEA367246.jpeg
     
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  8. Prince of Risborough

    Prince of Risborough Well-Known Member

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    On me 'ead son, on me 'ead :D
    47306331_10218160255700875_6745843589793710080_n.jpg
     
  9. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    A 7yr old and a 4yr old are in their bedroom.”You know what” says 7yr old
    “I think it’s time we started swearing .” When we go downstairs for breakfast
    I’ll swear first then you.Ok says 4yr old.
    Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.”I’ll have coco pops bitch.
    WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
    Mum looks at 4yr old and said sternly “and what do you want.
    “Dunno but it won’t be fcucking coco pops.
     
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  10. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

    I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

    He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
     
  11. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    I painted my wife twice the other day, I double Gloucester.
     
  12. Del Rosso

    Del Rosso Well-Known Member

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    I've just got a job as a conductor on a ghost train
    So far it's tickety boo
     
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  13. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    i Used to be superstitious but I think I’m over it now .

    Touch wood
     
  14. #FWF

    #FWF Well-Known Member

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    Very old gag: Why was 6 scared of 7?

    Because 7 8 9.

    Gag revised for the modern era: Why was 6 scared of 7?

    Because 7 was a serial 6 offender.
     
  15. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a slice of bread.

    The birds were all over me!
     
  16. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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  17. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    A Chinese guy comes into the pub,stands next to me and starts drinking.
    I said to him” do you know any of those martial arts like,Kung fu,Ju Jitsu,
    Karate?”
    He says”why da fuk you ask me that,is it cos I Chinese?”
    No I said “it’s because your drinking my ******* beer”
     
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  18. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    I told my boss3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.
    He said which 3 were interested,I said gas,electric and water.
     
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  19. Xer

    Xerxes Well-Known Member

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    Second referendum
     
  20. Mis

    MiserablePontyEnder Well-Known Member

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