Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    BREAKING NEWS ........

    A local Vue cinema been robbed this morning and police are urging witnesses to come forward asap

    Two Gunmen have just escaped with an estimated total of over £1,530 in goods.

    It’s believed the men have made off with 4 hot dogs, 2 medium Pepsi, a family size popcorn and 3 bags of revels.
     
    Connor, Dec 9, 2018
    #621
    Austiniho, BFC Dave, BobT and 1 other person like this.
  2. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

    I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
     
    ArchieRed, Dec 10, 2018
    #622
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  3. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

    Marry it.
     
    ArchieRed, Dec 10, 2018
    #623
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  4. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker?

    Pays her off
     
    TonyTyke, Dec 11, 2018
    #624
    Connor likes this.
  5. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    A bloke sat in the armchair and called to his wife, "When I die I'm going to leave everything to you my love!"
    She shouted back, "You already do you lazy swine!!
     
    Connor, Dec 11, 2018
    #625
  6. Arc

    ArchieRed Well-Known Member

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    Paddy was bought a metal detector for Christmas.

    He went in his garden looking for treasure.

    He was 60 ft down & still digging until he realised he had his steel cap boots on......
     
    ArchieRed, Dec 12, 2018
    #626
    Connor likes this.
  7. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    4C123CB0-87C7-41EB-81FE-08AFEA367246.jpeg
     
    Connor, Dec 12, 2018
    #627
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  8. Prince of Risborough

    Prince of Risborough Well-Known Member

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    On me 'ead son, on me 'ead :D
    47306331_10218160255700875_6745843589793710080_n.jpg
     
    Prince of Risborough, Dec 13, 2018
    #628
  9. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    A 7yr old and a 4yr old are in their bedroom.”You know what” says 7yr old
    “I think it’s time we started swearing .” When we go downstairs for breakfast
    I’ll swear first then you.Ok says 4yr old.
    Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.”I’ll have coco pops bitch.
    WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
    Mum looks at 4yr old and said sternly “and what do you want.
    “Dunno but it won’t be fcucking coco pops.
     
    Sparkfield red, Dec 14, 2018
    #629
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  10. shenk1

    shenk1 Well-Known Member

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    I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

    I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

    He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
     
    shenk1, Dec 14, 2018
    #630
  11. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    I painted my wife twice the other day, I double Gloucester.
     
    thetykester, Dec 14, 2018
    #631
  12. Del Rosso

    Del Rosso Well-Known Member

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    I've just got a job as a conductor on a ghost train
    So far it's tickety boo
     
    Del Rosso, Dec 14, 2018
    #632
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  13. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    i Used to be superstitious but I think I’m over it now .

    Touch wood
     
    Marlon, Dec 14, 2018
    #633
  14. #FWF

    #FWF Well-Known Member

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    Very old gag: Why was 6 scared of 7?

    Because 7 8 9.

    Gag revised for the modern era: Why was 6 scared of 7?

    Because 7 was a serial 6 offender.
     
    #FWF, Dec 14, 2018
    #634
  15. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a slice of bread.

    The birds were all over me!
     
    Connor, Dec 16, 2018
    #635
  16. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    DD46AF85-EECB-4F5C-825C-85D4C1620E77.jpeg
     
    Connor, Dec 18, 2018
    #636
    DSLRed, TitusMagee and Sparkfield red like this.
  17. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    A Chinese guy comes into the pub,stands next to me and starts drinking.
    I said to him” do you know any of those martial arts like,Kung fu,Ju Jitsu,
    Karate?”
    He says”why da fuk you ask me that,is it cos I Chinese?”
    No I said “it’s because your drinking my ******* beer”
     
    Sparkfield red, Dec 18, 2018
    #637
    scarf and Connor like this.
  18. Spa

    Sparkfield red Well-Known Member

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    I told my boss3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.
    He said which 3 were interested,I said gas,electric and water.
     
    Sparkfield red, Dec 18, 2018
    #638
    Connor likes this.
  19. Xer

    Xerxes Well-Known Member

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    Second referendum
     
    Xerxes, Dec 18, 2018
    #639
  20. Mis

    MiserablePontyEnder Well-Known Member

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    48381490_2278840728827553_5667792904278507520_n.jpg 48381490_2278840728827553_5667792904278507520_n.jpg
     
    MiserablePontyEnder, Dec 18, 2018
    #640
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