Why does it take me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub and 35 minutes to walk back? The difference is staggering!
I once met this lovely Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. I gave her a call to ask her out but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs…
An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner. The old man walked over and made the order for himself. He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same. He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife. The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, whilst people stared at her compassionately. A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food. The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything. People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate. The young man approached and repeated his offer. This time it was the old man, who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything. The young man then asked the old man, And what are you waiting for then? THE TEETH!!!
Long time listener. First time caller. I'm in tears watching this over and over again. Especially if you watch it with the sound off after you've heard it a few times.
Instagram and Facebook were down for about 6 hours last night. My next door neighbour came round to mine with his tea in his hands. He wanted to show me what he was having.
She was at the house at the other side, showing them CCTV footage of their garden gnome being stolen.
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise. Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, "By the way, which companies are after you?" I responded, "The gas, electric, and water company."