Made me laugh

I was on the beach in Blackpool this morning, when I found a man with just his head sticking out of sand.
"You alright mate ?" I asked.
"My bloody kids buried me and and can't get out" He said.
"I'll get a spade" I said as I went for help.
"Make it a big one " He said " I'm sitting on a feckin donkey!"

 

The teacher asks Little Johnny "Which body part goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny replies "The feet miss" So the teacher says "Why the feet?" Little Johnny says "Because when I go in my mummys bedroom at night she has her legs in the air shouting "Oh my God I"m coming""

 

Dancing in the street without music is pretty good if you haven't seen it before. Remember to have volume on.

 

I Grilled a Chicken for 2 hours.
But it still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

 

Took the 7 year old nephew to work with me this morning....got my hammer out of my tool bag and said to him what you reckon to this he replied ugh mi dad's got two of them
Took out my new makita hammer drill said what you reckon to this....ugh mi dad's got two of them ....my hacksaw ...ugh mi dad's got two of them ....my wrench ...ugh mi dad's got two of them after two hours of hearing the same answer I said come with me...We went to the toilet and I got my
c0 ck out and said to him
I bet thi dad's not got two of these

he replied ...ugh No but he's got one that will make two of that

 

She's had a tough time. She's been to.......

 

Giraffes

For anyone who has ever looked at a horse and thought, "I could do with more of that".

 

A umpire at a local cricket match was hit by the ball so I replaced him but all afternoon people kept shouting "How is he ". I kept shouting back "I don't know go and ask him yourself ".

 

Saw a bloke who was spitting image of sting in the red light district in amsterdam.he was having a massage in a brothel.

 

You know when things are bad when you look in the mirror and your reflection says f**k me that's rough

 

Did you hear about the giraffe with a sore throat who was laughed out of town
Told everybody he was a little hoarse

 

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful off-duty stewardess in uniform walks in. She sits down at the table next to him and folds away her jacket.
He can’t see any airline logos so he decides to impress her by identifying the airline she flies for.
He leans across and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks again.
Got it! He leans forward with the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him puzzled.
Undeterred, he tries a third time - this time the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman stares at him and says:
'What the f**k do you want?'
'Ah-ha!' he says, "It's Ryanair".

 

I know they'd just been relegated to the third division but maybe a bit harsh by Esbjerg's official twitter on one of their players?

 

Good line up is that. I am hoping we get to see a Wu Tang Clan duet with Noel Edmonds.

 

Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid. My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Shamus says, "That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!" Paddy says, "That's **** all. My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a ****!"

 

A couple just got married, on there wedding night the wife says to her husband," be gentle I'm a virgin" the husband looks shocked " how can you be a virgin, you' ve been married 3 times before" he says, " well my first husband was a gynecologist and just liked to look at it, my 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and just wanted to talk to it, and my 3rd husband was a stamp collector and just wanted to ......oh god I miss him