Bbser’s gaffe

Working at home, absent mindedly twirling a biro in my ear, as you do, whilst waiting for something on the laptop to finish, the pen top came off and lodged in my ear. Had to visit the local walk in centre.

Waiting room full of people:

"I need to see a Doc please"

"What's it about"

"I've got something in my ear"

"What, like a growth or a lump?"

"No, a pen top"

Cue laughter.

 

I actually saw a YouTube vid where a bloke was trying to finish cutting down a tree with a chainsaw after it had run out of fuel.

 

The spelling of this thread title for a start...it's gaffe not gaff

 

That’s what I’ve wrote

 

I once put the clock back an hour on the Saturday evening before I went to bed. My brother came in later and he put the clock back another hour. I got up the next morning, looked at the clock and thought I was going to be late for our Sunday League match. I quickly dressed, got my boots and sped off in the car only to find the pitch deserted. It still hadn't dawned on me what had happened so I assumed we must be playing away. I drove to our opponents pitch and there were a few players waiting to set off for our pitch. I asked if the match had been put back an hour and that's when I was told the correct time. I never mentioned it to the lads when I turned up at our home pitch an hour later.

 

I know someone who may or may not have filled up their unleaded fuel tank with diesel.

 

Once had a dump in the wrong poolside apartment in Crete

 

Ive posted this previously
Many many moons ago whilst pulling out of Victoria coach station one night, with the rapid service, our final destination Rotherham in the early 80s
A guy jumped in front of the coach waving his arms fanatically, with his coach ticket in his hand causing me to brake sharply
Now the golden rule was and still is once you leave the stand you aren't allowed to open the doors and start loading again but seeing as it was fair chucking it down and blowing a right gale and we were the last bus I thought I'd make an acception, The next thing my hostess and I know the guy who was tall and built like a brick SH is coming up the coach steps stinking of booze, slurring his words and sounding like Steve McClaren
Rotherrrrrrdan he says offering his ticket.
Yes I replied go and sit down we will take your ticket off you later
Off he goes and sits down and promptly falls a sleep.
Now in my defence the coach ticket of the journey he actually wanted were very similar to ours, the difference were in the sequence of the red white and blue lines on the ticket
Fast forward to Sheffield bus station and the hostess and myself both fuming we are having to go to Rotherham for one passenger especially when it was well known 9 times out 10 you were empty at Sheffield
So I drive over to Rotherham the guy still fast asleep, no matter how loud I shouted Rotherham he just continued sleeping
So I got out of the saddle and very carefully gave him a shake saying come on buddy you're in Rotherham he woke up startled jumped up looked out of the window and said This isn't Rotterdam whoops A proper Dutchman
We had to make some hasty telephone calls to get folk out of bed.
In the end we took him to Barnsley depot and the powers that be put him on the following early morning journey back to London

 

Most recent of many. Where was Capri int tarn. Eh Jud.
Glad I just didn't add what I thought of the Escort lol.

 

Parked up at Meadowhell, few hours shopping and lunch, went back to car park, no car, rang the police, and then realised I was in the wrong car park!

 

When my wife had a bad back I offered to do the tea. Got out a ready meal, put oven on for 45 mins, timer went off, and my wife realised I hadn’t put the meal in the oven!!!

 

I once sprayed my underarms with dry shampoo rather than the top of my head! (No, I didn’t have any hair there for it to clean, it must have been muscle memory from antiperspirant).

 

I am often a walking disaster waiting to happen, but probably my biggest mistake (2 marriages excepted), or the mistake that brings out the most mirth from my mates at least, was deciding I could trick a mate into thinking I’d licked a hotplate in a curry house in Hove, by hovering my tongue over the plate allowing a small amount of dribble to fall on to the plate, giving the desired sizzle that would make my mate think I’d actually done it. As I write that out now, in the cold light of day, it’s a ******* stupid idea, but after being on the lash all day at the cricket (Sussex v Young Australia) it sounded like a brilliant jape.

Of course, pissed as a fart I got the approach all wrong and actually licked the ******* hotplate. I spent the next week with an extremely sore and swollen tongue, much to the amusement of all my colleagues in A&E, apart from the nurse manager, who gave me a rollicking for behaving like that in public, when I was apparently “a representative of the hospital”.

That wasn’t the only stupid incident in that day’s catalogue of disaster, nor was it the only stupid thing I did that almost led to me being a patient in my own department, but it’s almost certainly the most stupid one.

 

When I was a kid my dad worked down the pit but I could never get the hang of lighting a coal fire to the extent that mum and dad had to buy a calor gas heater for when they weren't at home!

 

When I was at university many many years ago, my sister, who was also at university in London, came up to visit me in Colchester with one of her house mates. At the time, we were all smokers, but we had run out of matches so were using the gas ring to light our cigs. Me and my sister did so, coming in side on to the hob. Then her mate tried to light hers, coming in from the top, and lost her fringe.

 

A long long time ago I was entertaining my 6/7 year old daughter. She wanted to make me more glam so she moisturised my face, clipped my nails and did my hair. Eventually she got bored.
Two or three hours later I went to the off license and picked up some beers. Took them to the counter assistant who was smirking as he served me. He continued smirking and looking at me till I left the shop. I nearly went back in to ask what his problem was.
When I got back home I glanced at a mirror and saw my hair up and held in place with three pink hair clips...

 

Two that are really ingrained into my memory.
Number 1.

I had a couple of long hairs growing out of my nostril, I tried pulling them out but they weren't having it and I couldnt find any scissors...an old lad I was working with had the same issue and I'd seen him just singe the ends with a lighter ...I thought I'd try it, what I didn't realise was that different people have different amounts of hair in the nasal cavity. I flashed the zippo at the offending hairs and whoosh...the inside of my nose went up faster than a Californian brush fire. Although it only took a microsecond, the pain was excruciating, my eyes started running and I nearly gipped on the smell of burnt flesh.
For chrissake don't try it.

 

I had a few close shaves trying to use the filament of a toaster.