Britain's greatest discovery

To which they will reply. "Heard you the first time!"

 

I was once in a queue at the local chippy. We are all having to wait because the fish weren't quite ready. The woman serving eventually shouted "Is there anybody not wanting a fish?"
A bloke from the back of the queue walked past us all to the counter. "What's yours, love" says the woman. "Fish, chips and mushy peas," says the bloke. Cracked us all up, that did.

 

Gaaaarrrrrlic bread should have been confined to the past. Stinks vile.

 

Love it.

 

You forgot. You could throw potatoes. If being attacked with a baton. ( circa 1984/5)

 

Probably been mentioned already, but the World Wide Web is (kind of) a British invention, isn't it? I'd say that's even bigger than the steam engine or the telephone, it has changed the world so much in only three decades.

 

They are all America, the continent(s) of America.
We could argue about whether it’s one continent or 2, or whether ‘central America’ exists or if it’s just where South America keeps its crooks.

Whilst we’re irritated though, if I type South America on this phone I get offered the Stars and Stripes emoji

 

Yorkshire pudding filled with dauphinoise potato; then a long snooze on the settee to digest it.

 

I used to work in a chippy way back. We did chicken portions you had to order when you came in. I dreaded having to ask which one they wanted.

"Breast or leg?”

“Breast! I’m a breast man me!”

My, how I laughed along with them. Even after the ten thousandth time I’d heard it. Sometimes it was 'leg'. That was just as funny.

 

I'm not even sure I know what one is

 

Yorkshire pudding filled with corned beef hash. Champion.

 

I remember the old joke about Noah and his sons... after they had been cooped up in the Ark for several weeks with all those animals, doing what animals do... it was getting a bit ripe below deck and they had developed a rather worrying list to starboard. After much head scratching Noah summoned his sons, gave everyone pitchforks and together they piled all the crap to the stern and with one almighty heave dumped it over the side.....and.... two thousand years later...Columbus discovered it!

Bum Tish!!!

 

It's a good job that Joseph Priestley discovered oxygen otherwise we'd all be dead.

 

You must only be a young pup Jay

 

On a similar theme re takeaways.
Went over to fev. To mi brothers and stopping over. We went in the Chinese. For a takeaway. Everyone creating laughs. Chinese Lad at back at counter p1ssing hissen laughing. One of the lads says to him. ( to the Chinese lad so not too relevant)
“ By eck Joe ar bet thy ant laughed as much since Pearl harbour”
Place was in uproar laughing along with Joe. A classic line. .

For Cowboys benefit that was Mr Riley who you may recall. Funny lads ovver your way.

Once went int chip oyle at jump.
One of the mates sez. “ Got any chips left Harold”
Harold sez “yes, plenty. Alan ”
Alan replied “ serves thissen reight for cookin so many” And would have got a scutch if Harold had caught him.

 

What’s the difference between an egg, a carpet and a good w@nk? Ans: you can beat an egg and a carpet, but you can’t beat a good w***! Aaal get me coit!

 

One of my best mates at Holgate Grammar was called Spud.

 

Remember when Tim Westwood invented rap? People must have been like, woah!

 

Rap? I'll never understand it.
As for Westwood, I don't think he planned it,
Stumbled over it and really shoulda canned it,
The fawning DJs, they coulda banned it,
But its a money machine, a one-armed bandit,
So I'll begrudgingly have to hand it
To them rappers, cos they look so rich and tanned, it
Really just gets my goat, I can't stand it.