Friday night, joke thread night...

Rabbit walks into a shop....

"Hey Mister, got any carrotts?"
Shopkeeper, "No sorry, we don't sell carrotts."
"Are you sure you haven't got any carrotts?"
"Yes, I'm sure we don't have any carrotts."

The following day the rabbit goes back to the shop....

"Hey Mister, got any carrotts?"
Shopkeeper, "No I told you yesterday, we don't sell carrotts."
"Are you sure you haven't got any carrotts?"
"Yes I'm absolutely certain we don't have any carrotts."

Next day the rabbit goes back again to the shop....

"Hey Mister, got any carrotts?"
Shopkeeper, "No I told you twice now, we don't sell carrotts."
"Are you sure you haven't got any carrotts?"
"Look, we don't have any carrotts, now plss off."

The following day the rabbit goes back to the shop....

"Hey Mister, got any carrotts?"
Shopkeeper, "How many more time, we don't have any fcking carrotts. Ask me that one more time and I'll hammer you to that fcking counter!"

Next day, rabbit goes back to the shop....

"Hey Mister, got any nails?"
Shopkeeper, "No, we don't have any nails."
"Got any carrotts?"

 

Mr Green is in hospital, a lovely young nurse walks past and he shouts Nurse is my testicles red. She pulls his pyjamas down , examines them and says They look all right Mr Green nothing untoward with them. 10 min later shouts to another young nurse. Nurse is my testicles red. She pulls his pyjamas down and examines them. No Mr Green they look all right. He shouts to a third young nurse, but the Sister hears him. Mr Green how many times have I told you to put your false teeth in when speaking to the nurses. He puts his false teeth in and she says, what are you asking ? He says Nurse is my test results ready. It's the way I tell em

 

My neighbour brought her baby round to show us, she asked me if I wanted to wind him...I thought bloody hell that's a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg

 

young lad been laikin art comes in and says to his dad,'whats a lovely person',,,,

dad says 'you souldnt be saying that,but i'll show you'.....

so he takes the lad into the bathroom where his wife is laid in the bath,he points between her legs and says,'that son,is a vagina,,,,,,,,,,,,rest of it is a lovely person'!!!

 

two barnsley fans walking to millwall fc when they happened upon a gang of millwall thugs "harry i,ve a feeling we gonna get mugged here mate" " I've a feeling you could be right there joe here's that £40 i owe you"

thats nearly a true story tbh.

 

At least the burger jokes have take the heat of Jimmy Saddle.
I'll get me coit.

 

The police arrested me the other day after i hit my girlfriend for the 5th time since Christmas, they asked me why I keep beating my girlfriend.

Its probably because of my superior weight, height reach and footwork I said

 

An old couple are starting to get memory loss. Keep forgetting what they had to do. So they decided to write down on a pad what they had to do so they would not forget One Sunday they had just had some Ice Cream and old Helen asks Bill to fetch her some more out of Fridge. Bill goes to Kitchen and Helen shouts he should write it down. Bill says , why, it is only a plate of ice cream. 20 minutes later Bill comes back in and says there you are Helen and gives her a tray with full breakfast on. She looks at it and says, Bill I told you to write it all down, you have forgot my Toast

 

Wrong, I was thinking of Emu's in the Dominican Republic

 

but emu doesn't begin with o ;-)

 

Proper chuckling at that one. Quality.