**** Jokes Thread

I phoned my local builders merchants up the other day and said "I want a skip outside my house"

They guy said "I'm not stopping you"

 

Did you know that Edam was made backwards.

 

I phoned the Ramblers Association yesterday. This bloke answered and just went on and on and on and on.......

 

I phoned 999 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, "What does it look like?"

I replied, "It's big, green and full of swings."

 

Paddy's in Jail, Guard looks into his cell and see's him hanging by his feet, "what the hell you doing Paddy?" Paddy replies "trying to hang myself?" "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I know but l couldn't breathe".

 

Piece of black tarmac walks into a pub, orders a pint of bitter, and sits down at the bar.
A piece of blue tarmac then enters the pub, orders a pint a lager, and sits next to his mate, the black tarmac.
Piece of red tarmac enters the pub, orders two pints of bitter, two pints of lager, a pint of cider, and a double whiskey.

"Bloody hell!" the blue tarmac exclaims to the black, "What's wrong with him?"
"I wouldn't mess with him, mate. He's a right cyclepath."

 

I went into a sandwich shop the other day and asked the lady serving if she could do a salmon and cucumber.

She said "I used to be able to love, but I can't get my legs behind my ears anymore"

 

The price of velcro these days is a right rip off.

 

Similar vein...

A Mars bar and a Twix are sitting having a quiet pint when in swaggers a packet of Fisherman's Friends.

"Come on, drink up" says Mars, obviously worried. "I don't like his sort"
"Why's that?" asks the puzzled Twix "He don't look like trouble"
"Just don't mess with him, he's menthol!"

 

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
"Tiny" replies the man.
"Why's that?" asks the bartender.
"Because he's my newt!"

 

Crazy paving isnt all it's cracked up to be.

 

Two budgies sat on a perch.

One says to the other "Can you smell fish ?"

 

I was walking down the street when a man walked up to me and said "do you want some grass man?"
I said "no thanks we've got crazy paving"

He then said "do you want decking?"
I said "are you deaf, I said we've got crazy paving"

 

I went to the Doctor the other day, feeling pretty bad.

Doctor said, "I'm afraid I've got good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"

I thought, let's get the bad news out the way first, so said "I'll take the bad news first".

Doctor said "I'm afraid you have 48 hours to live".

Stunned beyond belief, I said "what's the good news?"

Doctor said, "you see that nurse over there, bending over with that little dress on and stockings and suspenders? I'm shagging that later this afternoon".

 

There's a knock at the door and the mother tells her young daughter to answer it.
a minute later she shouts back ... "Mummy there's a man at the door with a bill"
to which her mum replies ... "don't be silly sweetheart, it must be a duck with a hat on"

 

Police pulled a tramp drinking battery acid.
they are charging him tomorrow.

 

What's difference between a Camera and a Sock

One tek photos other teks five toes

pearler!!!

 

I was walking down the street one day and a guy was walking towards me with a pair of scissors and he said "I'm going to cut off one of the bottoms of your trouser legs and take it to the library"

I thought to myself "that's a turn up for the books"

 

I use to own a car made entirely of wood, wooden body, wooden wheels, wooden seats, wooden engine, i had to sell though...it wooden go

 

I met the guy who invented crosswords last week. Cant remember his name now
It was P something T something R I think.