**** Jokes Thread

Re: What's brown and sticky?

Stevie Wonder goes to play a gig in Japan. He gets through his planned set, can hear that the crowd are really lapping it up and decides to ask if anyone has any requests. People start shouting suggestions, and Stevie Wonder hears one voice amongst the others shouting "Stevie, Stevie, play a jazz chord." Stevie thinks to himself that this guy must be a true fan to know about his keen interest in jazz.

He shouts out "Did someone ask for a jazz chord?" and hears the man shout back "Yes Stevie! Please play a jazz chord just for me!" Stevie says "ok dude, this is for you" and plays a B augmented 7th chord.

There is a short silence and then the voice pipes up again "No Stevie, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Stevie is a bit puzzled but thinks "what the hell I'll play a bit more" and plays a short improvised chord progression.

Again there is a short silence and then the voice shouts "No Stevie! I asked for a jazz chord!" Stevie is getting a bit hacked off at this point and really decides to go to town. He plays a 10 minute fully improvised free-form jazz movement which even impresses himself.

Once more there is a short silence and then the man yells "No Stevie! What you doing? I just want to hear a jazz chord!" Stevie is at his wits' end at this point and loses his cool. He says "Look man, I don't know what else I can do here, nothing I play is good enough for you. I tell you what, you come up here and play me a jazz chord if you want to hear it so bad."

The man walks up on stage, taps Stevie on the shoulder to let him know to shuffle up and then sits down. He takes a second, stretches his fingers and clears his throat, mentally preparing himself to perform next to his idol. He takes a deep breath and starts singing...

"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you."

 

A 17 year old passes his test and goes out to buy a car
He only has £300 in his pocket so ends up at the local dodgy dealer to see what he can buy
"you wont get a lot for £300" says the dealer but i'll tell you what, come round the back ive got a cracking deal for ya.
So he follows the car dealer round the back of the garage and there is this old mk 3 escort
There you go £250 and shes all yours and another £50 for the bird
The bird? asked the kid
Yeah, you see the cars got no engine so you need the bird to make it go.
He lifted the bonnet up and there was a massive chicken strapped into the engine bay.
How do you make it go? asked the kid
Well you just put some seed on the tray at the front, close the bonnet and get in the car.
When you want to go faster you just pull the rope once. When you want to stop just pull twice.

Rather sceptical he bought the car, loaded it up with seed, put the bonnet down, got in the car and gave the rope a tug and off they went.

He was amazed and when they got onto the dual carriage way gave it another tug, and then another tug until he got to 60 mph. This is mint thought the kid so he headed for the M1.
As he pulled onto the M1 he just kept giving the rope another tug and he could hear the bird going flat out and giving out the occasional squark.
He was soon upto 110mph when there was a massive squark and then a bang followed by a load of feathers flying from under the car.
The kid pulled onto the hard shoulder and called the RAC.
The guy from the RAC turned up and opened the bonnet and simply started shaking his head.
The kid said whats wrong, whats wrong?
The RAC bloke said.....
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Yer big hens gone mate!

lol

 

Bumped into a bloke in tarn today......i said excuse me but do you know you've a fried egg on your head......yes he replied............boiled ones roll off

 

They say that an Englishman's home is his castle.

Well it's true.

Watched the news tonight it appears most people in Hertfordshire and Surrey have a moat.

 

I felt **** earlier.

My fingers still smell.

 

http://youtu.be/RoZ7JXkv6_o

 

I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal and that was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

 

I got to work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.

I didn't know what to make of it.

 

My friend said he'd give me £100 if I did a bungee jump.

I wasn't falling for that.

 

I went to the shop and bought a 2 litre bottle of Tipp-Ex.

Big mistake.

 

My mate Dave drowned. At the funeral I got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would've wanted.

 

A book just fell on my head.

I've only got myshelf to blame.

 

I went to the doctors the other day for a check up. He asked me to go to the window and stick out my tongue.

I asked him "why?"

He said "I don't like the people in the next building"





I went to the same doctor with an arm injury.
After an xray he said I had broken my arm in 3 places.
I asked if he had any advice for me.
He said "don't go to those 3 places again"




He finally asked my to say "aaaaah"
I asked him why.
He said "my cat died yesterday"

 

I've been reading some statistics on the most common way people walk when drunk.

It's staggering.

 

That's one of Steve McLaren's.

 

Just bought a book about everything you need to know about glue.

I cant put it down.

 

An Englishman Scotsman and Irishman were at the top of a helter skelter and they found a magic lamp one of them gave it a rub and a genie appeared.

"I will grant you all one wish" he said "whatever you say when you go down the ride you will land in"

First up was the Englishman. "Gold" he shouted and true enough he landed in a pile if gold.

Second up was the Scotsman "Diamonds" he shouted and he landed in a heap of diamonds.

Last up was the Irishman "Weeeeeeeeee!" he screamed.

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

Surely 6 out of 7 are not Happy?

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

I went into a record shop and said to the assistant "do you have anything by The Doors?"

He replied "yes, a bucket of sand and a fire blanket"

 

The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do!

I'll get mi coat...