**** Jokes Thread

And one my son came home from school with yesterday...

What's green and smells like yellow paint?

Green paint.

 

Man walked into a bar and said"ouch"

 

Skeleton walked into a bar and said " a pint of beer and a mop please"

 

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

Yeah that's what I meant to say. Brain dead

 

Re: Longer, shitter joke

Valentines day. The wife said get me something with diamond in. So I have bought her a pack of cards

 

What did the snowman say. To the snow woman?

You've got snowballs.

 

Or the sarcastic Yorkshire cowboy, Tex Piss

 

Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat 'em all

 

One day, an anatomist decided to conduct an experiment on a frog. He placed it on a table and drew a line just in front of the frog. "Jump frog, jump!" he shouted. It jumped two feet forward. In his lab book, the anatomist scribbled, "Frog with four legs jumps four feet."

Then, he removed one of the frog's legs and repeated the experiment. "Jump, jump!" To which, the frog leaped forward three feet. He wrote down, "Frog with three legs jumps three feet."

Next, he removed a second leg. "Jump frog, jump!" The frog managed to jump two feet. He scribbled in his lab book, "Frog with two legs jumps two feet."

Not stopping there, the anatomist removed yet another leg. "Jump, jump!" The poor frog somehow managed to jump one foot forward. The anatomist wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps one foot."

Finally, he eliminated the last leg. "Jump, jump!" he shouted, encouraging forward progress for the frog. But despite all its efforts, the frog could not budge. "Jump frog, jump!" he cried again. It was no use; the frog would not respond. The anatomist thought for a while and then wrote in his lab book, "Frog with no legs, deaf."

 

One snowman says to another "Can you smell carrots?"

 

I used to have a paper shop, but it blew away....

So I bought another but it folded.

 

I was thinking about my Grandad today, how I should have rung him up now and again, or made the effort to go and see him once in a while.

So sad, but it's too late now...









He's won the lottery.

 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven 'til its Bill Whithers

 

If you bang 2 pistaccio nuts together, its like there is a very small horse approaching

 

I phoned the weak bladder helpline about my problem - it's 1p a minute

 

Muhammad was caught snagging a sheep by police earlier today, when asked why he was shagging the sheep he said that it's islam and he'll do whatever he wants with it.

 

Spilt a bottle of tippex once, right in my lap it was really embarrassing as I had to work rest of day with a massive correction.

 

what's brown and sticky?







a stick

 

What time is it if there's a pork pie on tarn hall clock?






Summat to ate