Made me laugh

Discussion in 'Bulletin Board' started by Connor, Feb 25, 2018.

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  1. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    I went to the doctors as I had strawberries growing in all my bodily orifices. The doctor gave me some cream for them.
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 21, 2018
    #181
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  2. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him "What's wrong?" - "Me ma is dead" - "Oh bejaysus" the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
    The boy replies "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment"
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 21, 2018
    #182
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  3. Mark Stephenson

    Mark Stephenson Well-Known Member

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    I came out of the chippie with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said "I've not eaten for two days" - I told him -
    I wish I had your will power!
     
    Mark Stephenson, Mar 21, 2018
    #183
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  4. Del Rosso

    Del Rosso Well-Known Member

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    Its terrible how the benefit system has been changed, my mates a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.
     
    Del Rosso, Mar 21, 2018
    #184
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  5. Fre

    Freshco New Member

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    ROBIN: the batmobile won't start
    BATMAN: check the battery
    ROBIN: what's a tery?
     
    Freshco, Mar 21, 2018
    #185
  6. TonyTyke

    TonyTyke Well-Known Member

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    TonyTyke, Mar 21, 2018
    #186
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  7. Met

    Metatarsal Well-Known Member

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    I was on the bus today and sat next to a bloke with one arm. Passing time I said "Where are you going today?". He said "I'm going to change my mother's kitchen lightbulb". I said "How will you do that, you've only got one arm?". He said "I have the receipt".........,...........
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2018
    Metatarsal, Mar 21, 2018
    #187
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  8. Bossman

    Bossman Well-Known Member

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    "It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"
    Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
     
    Bossman, Mar 23, 2018
    #188
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  9. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Me and my wife walked past a restaurant in town yesterday and my wife said “ Wow can you smell the Aroma “ I thought well I think I’ll treat her , so we walked past the restaurant again !
     
    Connor, Mar 24, 2018
    #189
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  10. Marlon

    Marlon Well-Known Member

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    Similar theme

    I said to wife I’m thinking of buying you some nice perfume for you birthday again
    What you mean again you’ve never bought me perfume
    No but Ive thought about it
     
    Marlon, Mar 24, 2018
    #190
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  11. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Never ignore the power of punctuation.
    There's a Maypole dancer.
    Theresa May, pole dancer.
     
    Connor, Mar 25, 2018
    #191
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  12. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    This bloke went to a pet shop and asked to buy a goldfish.

    "Certainly sir, do you want an aquarium?" said the shopkeeper.

    "I don't care what star sign it is".
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 25, 2018
    #192
  13. Con

    Connor Well-Known Member

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    Made love to my Wife last night for 1 hour and 3 minutes, then realised the clocks went forward!
     
    Connor, Mar 25, 2018
    #193
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  14. Micky Finn

    Micky Finn Well-Known Member

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    Went in this cake shop; every single cake cost £1, except one, which cost £1.50.
    "Why's this one more, mate?" I asked the baker.
    "Because that's Madeira cake".
     
    Micky Finn, Mar 25, 2018
    #194
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  15. Sta

    Stahlrost Well-Known Member

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    "Now then sir, what can I do for you?" said the doctor.

    "Well doctor, it's rather embarrassing...." said the patient.

    "You can tell me, I'm a doctor".

    "Ok, it's a problem with my knob - it's shaped like a rocket".

    "What does your wife think?"

    "She's over the moon about it"
     
    Stahlrost, Mar 25, 2018
    #195
    Connor likes this.
  16. Del Rosso

    Del Rosso Well-Known Member

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    The inventor of the private registration plate has D1ED
     
    Del Rosso, Mar 25, 2018
    #196
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  17. Lone Striker

    Lone Striker Well-Known Member

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    What do you call an actor with a coffee?

    Al Cappuccino.
     
    Lone Striker, Mar 25, 2018
    #197
  18. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    Told my mate tuther day our lass has one tit longer than tuther. He sez how's that. I sez when we go to bed I always suck on her right tit. He sez when he goes to bed with his missus he does the same but she's not developed that problem. I said you haven't got bunk beds then.
     
    Hooky feller, Mar 25, 2018
    #198
  19. Hooky feller

    Hooky feller Well-Known Member

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    Stood ont top of barnsley tarn hall tuther day. Mate sez "ar can see cawthorn park" ar sez" ar can n all"
     
    Hooky feller, Mar 25, 2018
    #199
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  20. thetykester

    thetykester Well-Known Member

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    Saw this woman tother day with thousands of rabbits on her head, but on closer inspection they weren't rabbits they were Hares.
     
    thetykester, Mar 25, 2018
    #200
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