Made me laugh

What’s the difference between Leeds United and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup for longer.

 

Deleted because it was not funny

 

Police make an apology

 

Did warn you Ian.

 

MAJOR MOTOR MERGER

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, & the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome!

 

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic?....

... Ian

 

Not according to the woman I was with last night

 

So anyone returning from Iceland must now quarantine for 2 weeks.
Brilliant.....and I only went for some frozen chips

 

Boris yesterday wanted people to stay at home this weekend so today his own health secretary didn't stay at home and instead went somewhere packed without a mask as put lovely by the parody account...

 

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
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A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
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A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
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A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look..
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
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Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?

 

John Travolta has just been diagnosed with Coronavirus he's got chills there multiplying and he's loosing control but they have just found out he as got Saturday Night fever and he is Staying Alive......TELL ME MORE-TELL ME MORE

 

Winter is here and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to the pet shop and buy a mesh and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nutsack!
Just remember, however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow

 

A leading pharmaceutical company is warning of civil unrest if supplies of the new Covid-19 vaccine run out.

The company fears that global demand for the Pfizer-BioNTech shot means they will struggle to upscale their levels of production, leading to violence from citizens who are eager to see their lives return to normal.

A Pfizer chief declared: I predict a riot.

 

WTF is wrong with people????
I decide to get some fuel and bit of breakfast this morning. Some idiot came up to me while getting fuel and started tapping his finger on my wing mirror.
This is where it gets interesting..
A bigger idiot kept tapping the .... See More

 

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."